Conflict Avoidance

EPICLY EPIC FAIL at any conversation with Sam.

I literally did not mention anything when he came to get his bike because I was too worried that he was in the middle of deciding to date the girl he went home with on Friday and would laugh at me for having these kinds of feelings.

WHYYYYY DO I DO THIS?!

Strongly considering a facebook message.

Correction

Apparently it wasn't that rank slut Fox that Sam went home with.
In fact, it was rank slut Fox's friend, page-boy haircut, teal dress-wearing, SOMEWHAT CHUBBY friend.
Currently unsure if this makes it better or worse. Better because he didn't go home with some rank slut which would devalue his choice of me as a bed partner. But then worse because he might actually like pageboytealchubby girl and then they'll go on dates and he'll be all like, "Oh no sorry, can't hang out tonight, seeing pageboytealchubby girl, isn't she just GREAT, don't you just LOVE her?!"
And then I will want to kill myself.

Saw him last night when I went to a party with Castle. I hung out with Andy mostly and McFly, although he is usually otherwise occupied with semi-liked, semi-resented girlfriend Hana (who made cupcakes for our friend who is moving to Melbourne? Innnnnnnnnteresting).
But back to Sam.
I did my usual, "I hate conflict so instead of yelling at you I am going to pretend that you don't exist" thing. Pleasantly reminded me of Cherry once more. No, GOOD, these past few weeks haven't been a relationshipy disaster at ALL. But yeah, he had the nerve to message me before the party about leaving his bike tied to my fence until today and seemed like he wanted to start a casual message conversation? I was like, "NO WAY JOSE". I mean, read my facebook status and many comments and you will see how angry I am with you Samuel.
Yes, I am the most passive-agressive person ever.
And then when I left by myself he decided to be "caring friend Sam" and make sure I had some way to get home. Which just made me more angry because it's like, you didn't seem to give a shit how I got home LAST NIGHT, DID YOU??? But it's ok, because Blondie J came and picked me up. Her and Dan had an adorable little altercation in the car about whether to get Maccas sundaes on the way to my house or the way back to theirs. I love those two.

So that's my Saturday story! I'll keep you updated on what happens when Sam comes to get his bike. Fingers crossed I'll have the guts to talk to him about how irrationally angry I got at him and how this means that I need to distance myself from him. Guhhh. This is shit.

FUCK YOU OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter/hormone that gets released in a woman's brain after she has sex (among other times) and is thought to facilitate love, trust and pair bonding.
And right now, there is nothing more I hate than how oxytocin has made me feel about Sam, who I'm not even that compatible with anyway.

Last night Sam went home with this rank Fox bitch (she doesn't get a colour, I loathe her right now) who has fucked half of Slew. He has previously hooked up with her and that very night saw her hooking up with 2 other guys at Slew.
No Sam? What's that? You didn't want a girl with any dignity?
Oh GOOD. Well you've succeeded then. Picked a quality dame there.
And not only did he go home with her, but it was right in front of my fucking face! He kept looking over at me on the Slew dancefloor like a child anxiously watches his parent as he does something "naughty".
And all this coming hot on the fucking heels of a few separate sources informing me that he actually really likes me.
No SERIOUSLY, fuck you Samuel. FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.

I am so incredibly bored of being treated like I am a piece of shit. Like I'm just an object to be used when you feel like it, but then discarded as soon as a better offer comes along. If I'm going to get involved with anyone I want them to respect me and like me as a human being and realise that it's not alright to imply an emotional connection to someone and then fuck someone else just because you can. I want someone to appreciate me for the interesting and intelligent person I am. And I'm just SO INCREDIBLY BORED of getting fucked around like this.

Oh, and did I mention that right now his bike is tied up to my front fence? I am SO tempted to do a Joanie on him and unscrew some screws or unchain some chains. Pity I'm not "emotionally unstable" enough to go through with it.
Oh well. The plan though, is to have a bit of a confrontation (unlikely that I will do this unfortunately, it sucks to have no spine). I will say to him:

"Alright Sam, I need to have a bit of a conversation with you about last night. I actually found myself getting quite upset about the fact that you went home with Fox, mostly because I have heard from a few sources that you actually have feelings for me, so I have started to get really attached to you. Clearly you want to play the field and me getting attached is a terrible idea. However, it's reached a point here where I cannot deal with you going home with other girls, I can't go back to being as
unattached as I used to be. So I think that it's best that we go back to just
being purely friends."

(Dieing to add: YOU ARE A FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER AND I LOATHE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY)
But I really don't want to just be friends with him? This is utterly shit. I can't keep sleeping with him if he wants to fuck multiple people and I don't, it would just kill me.

I'm going to go and read "A Man of Few Words" now to remind myself of how silent and manipulative and immature and boring he is. Should help, right?

I'm Dreaming of an ...

ADVENTURE

How about we all go to India and get lost (figuratively)?

We can run among the trees in an enchanted valley a la A Little Princess (aka my favourite children's movie of all time - it still makes me cry and I've been watching it since I was 5 years old!). Also there will be an amazing waterfall populated by an enormous stone head upon which we will stand in a romantic fashion:

Sound good? Sounds great. I'm sure the absolute impossibility of Sara Crew's life in India will not be a problem. Otherwise I'm totally up for recreating the New York part (ie. food via imagination, probs more realistic, budget-wise):



Um, but seriously, where is my benevolent Indian man who conjures me food/yellow garments?

WHERRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

I think he should make my upcoming exams vanish in a puff of smoke :)

we're splashed like paint on the pavement

summer will be here soon
the beach this weekend was fucking amazing
so is roaming at night in a white cotton dress sans shoes,
sitting outside and watching the sun go down without getting cold,
driving with the windows down and the radio up,
watching boys catching waves,
a cold vodka with ice, water and cordial through a pink straw,
that familiar warmth of sunburn all over you,
you new favourite white bra against your tanning skin,
skin that tastes salty hours later

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Classified in the DSM-IV as:

"A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the centre of attention

(2) Interaction with other is often characterised by innappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behaviour

(3) Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions

(4) Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self

(5) Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail

(6) Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion

(7) Is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances

(8) Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are"

It's actually scary how accurately this describes my sort-of-ex who is back in town, Cherry.

Especially that last point. That's her to a tee. Right now, she makes me want to punch her in the face. I'd forgotten just how much she made me act like a bipolar person when she lived here. One day I'd be completely infatuated with her, the next I'd hate her guts.

What I'm wondering right now is, where the hell is the classification in the DSM-IV for those of us who fall for these people, over and over?

DSM-V writers, get onto it.

Distance Can Go Fuck Itself

Woohoo!

Remember that sort-of-ex-girlfriend I was mooning over last week? Well, now she has a name on this blog and it's Cherry. You only don't get a name if I think you're untouchable.
A bit of pedestal-isation from your host Grey.

Did I mention how I'd thought that Cherry had changed her ways?
BUMBOWWWWWWWWW wrong.
She's just as bad as she always was, read on if you want it proven to you:

1. On Friday night when she got in that cab it was with a friend of mine, Bowler, who I know through good old McFly. I assumed that the cab would drop Bowler at his house and then take Cherry on to hers. First point where Grey underestimated Cherry. She went back to his.
2. Not only did she stay at Bowler's, she also fucked him.
3. Not only did they fuck on Friday night, they then hung out all of Saturday and she stayed over again on Saturday night. Fucking ensued.
4. I called her on Saturday afternoon to see if she was ok, she told me she was at home. Bowler later informed me that he listened in on her lieing to me during this conversation.
5. Clearly worried about how I would react to this, she sent me a pre-emptive "I don't want to leave on a bad note with you x" message, before I'd found all this out.
6. Then, knowing that I knew thanks to merciless facebook condemnation coming from all sides (read: McFly, Nokle and Andy, I love them), she didn't try to contact me all week.
7. Then, when I saw her on Friday at Slew I (at first unintentionally) completely snubbed her and she made no attempt to rectify the situation, instead left as early as 2:30 with her tail between her legs.
8. Oh and you know how she told me that Sam was a bastard and told her not to go home with me? LIES. I brought it up with him and he was astounded, saying "I would never ever say something like that, why the hell would I do that???? WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?!"
9. Now I have no idea where I stand with Sam all over again thanks to her, because she very easily could have been lieing when she said that he told Joanie he liked me. Awesome.
10. But mostly, THE BITCH HAS MY FAVOURITE DENIM JACKET

No, good; I'm glad. I was concerned that wouldn't end in absolute complete catastrophe, crisis averted.

In other news, I stayed at Sam's again on Friday and it has been getting increasingly intimate/comfortable, although I have nooooooooooooo idea where this is going. And I find myself starting to really like him. Fuck.

Funny that we have a shared addiction to emotionally unstable girls a la Cherry and the girl he went home with instead of me a month back (she is getting medicated for bipolar).
It's meant to be?

Atavism

I wanna go back here:

And drink some of these:

And some of these:

And go to some "beaches" like this:

And some underground bars like this:

However, for the time being I don't much mind being here:

And getting fed and watered like this:

(Yes, that is pumpkin soup, a slice of buttered bread and a cosmo. It also came with one cold sausage. That's how classy I am.)

And having friends like this:

This last one is Blondie and I back in the days when she used to come out to Slew on Fridays, I can't wait till summer to do this all over again!

<3

i smell spring

"if pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music"

.... i chuckle at this

dance dance dance
dance dance dance
dance dance dance

♥

do you think that if they show some bathers in cosmo, they would stock them in the outlets still?
are they even allowed to tease you by showing out-of-stock bathers in an article (not even a photo shoot!) about best bathers for summer?
somebody answer my prayers
i am in love with a bikini!

A Self-Satisfying Wallow

Which do you think is worse:

A) Wanting someone who does not want you?

B) Wanting someone you cannot have because of distance/other complications?

Because I used to think it was the former, when I would moon over the unattainable for months on end. But now I think it's the latter. There's nothing worse than knowing that someone can make you so incredibly happy, but being unable to spend time with them.

And then what are you meant to do with the people who are right there in front of you and want you, but don't make your heart beat like the distant ones?

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hurt right now.

My ex sort-of-girlfriend is visiting this little city for 9 days. The reason that was never a real relationship was because she moved interstate a few months after I met her and fell completely head over heels for her. Also, the fact that she was "coming to terms with falling in love with a girl" apparently drove her to make out with men in front of me, WHATEVS. I forgave her for that whole thang though. I haven't seen her since March, so I thought I'd be over it and be able to hang out with her without getting emotionally attached all over again.

How wrong I was.

The moment I saw her I realised just how much I'd missed her and her enthusiasm for life. She's changed a bit, but it's all for the better. She's more punctual, she's less flighty, she's less of a "loose woman". In fact, she's become more like the person I always wished she would be.
She met me after I finished work and we got coffee, which was perfectly civilised. Within 15 minutes of walking around after coffee though, it degenerated into us walking arm-around-waist and arm-around-shoulder like old, loving times.

Fuck, I've missed her.

She bought a bottle of champagne and we took it back to my house. We made a toast over an Edith Piaf record in my room, and then she dressed me for the Friday night ahead.

I'd forgotten how beautiful she was.

We walked into the Io (latenighthipster) Cafe like a golden couple. I couldn't stop smiling. She bought me a rose from a vendor and we shared a vegetarian pizza while holding hands under the table. A friend later told me I was glowing.

I'd forgotten how happy she makes me.

We went to a string of bars with a string of people and I just couldn't stop touching her. Pity that Sam was there. I've been sleeping with him on and off for awhile now, but I'd resolved that it was just fucking, with no strings attached. He'd seen another girl for few weeks while we were at the height of our liason and it seemed like he really liked her, so obviously he doesn't like me. Right? Otherwise he surely would never have gone home with her over me. However, he and my ex go way back and he really doesn't like her, so naturally he is a little protective of me around her.

Whatever.

We all ended up at Slew and danced the night away on a couple of dexies. It was probably the best time I've had there in months. Everyone was out to see her and we all just danced and danced and danced.

Here comes the tricky part.

She told me that she doesn't want to "stir shit" while she's here, because she's moved on from doing stuff like that now. She's moved away, grown up a bit and wants to salvage her sullied reputation in this town. Fair enough right? But she thinks that getting involved with me will "stir shit" with Sam. I told her that was highly doubtful, as we are just friends who enjoy certain benefits and he doesn't want me in that way.
AU CONTRAIRE, she said, apparently he had told his ex (remember Joanie?) that he regretted ever getting involved with the other girl, really liked me, and was resolving to ask me out in the next couple of weeks.
My only response was: WHAT THE FUCK?!
He was the one who rejected me, this makes no sense!
I told her that I didn't give a shit about his feelings anymore and that she was only here for 9 days and he could suck it up for that long and then could have me back afterwards.

You see, I'm fucking crazy for her, all over again.

However, as we were walking out of Slew, Sam pulled her aside and they had a chat. Then she came to me and informed me that he had whispered to her, "Don't you dare go home with Grey tonight, I want her."
What a fucking presumptuous, manipulative, underhanded, hypocritical bastard.
I wouldn't have told the other girl he went home with to back off because I was sleeping with him! And since when is it his prerogative to decide who I do and do not go home with?! I can fucking well do what I please, thankyou, I'm a big girl.

I was so, so angry.

Needless to say I was even more angry when all I could do was watch powerlessly as she got into a cab and it drove off into the night, taking her further and further away from my bed.
And, my life being what it is, Sam, not knowing that she'd told me exactly what he said, decided he was going to walk me home, right to my door like old times. And of course, he has to drop this little gem, "You're the only girl I've ever been attracted to who isn't mentally unstable ... no, attracted isn't the right word ... I mean ... not that I'm not attracted to you! Just .... oh forget it, I don't know what I'm saying."
What he was saying was that he fucking likes me, wants to date me, and can't wait until the 9 days that she is bringing a light into my life are over. I mean, sure. I like him well enough. I've grown really quite fond of him. But he doesn't make me smile like my life couldn't possibly get any better. He doesn't make me feel like we're the only ones in the room. He doesn't make me want to gloat over how happy I am.

That's all her.

So I refused to respond to his leading statement, because I knew that the moment I acknowledged his romantic advances I would have to discuss the idea of dating him. And maybe I do want to date him, but he just pales into insignificance when she's around. So he can have me when she's gone, but right now, I just want to be "blissfully unaware" of his feelings for me so I can have her.

Next weekend, fuck him, fuck her sensibilities, I'm taking her home with me and I'm going to wake up with my arm around her and smile like my life couldn't possibly get any better.

Dichromatic

So I recently started a new job and it got me thinking about my own personality.

I've realised that I act completely differently in an office situation to a normal social situation. Even when we're having work drinks (at which you're meant to be able to "relax" and "let it all hang out") I'm always somewhat on my guard. I'm always watching how I act and what I say, wanting to appear professional and intelligent.
This afternoon after drinks ended, I made my usual walk to the train station to head home and ran into a friend on the way, so stopped and had a chat. By the time I made it to the station, I saw that two of my co-workers had already arrived there, having been given a lift. I immediately started chatting amicably to them, which was a complete and utter change from how quiet and reserved I'd been sitting around the meeting room table with my glass of red.
What changed?
I'd gotten out of the office, and my office persona.
I don't like to think that so many people only see one tiny facet of me. Even those of me who see the "freer" me lack acquaintance with the mousy, over-organised office me.

I pretty much feel like this bro:

(c/o Eugene Ivanov, The Person with Two Faces)

And I mean, I knew this was the case, that everyone has different sides to them and acts differently in different situations. But it was just so glaring today!

Sometimes I just wish I could be one person, not some of the time, but all of the time.