Beautiful Things

Here is something I have recently fallen in love with: Book Lovers Never Go To Bed Alone.

I don't think there is anything more satisfying or aesthetically pleasing than a good bookshelf. Part of it is probably the vouyeristic glimpse one gets into someone else's life and someone else's brain by looking at the things that they have read. The books they've loved and those they will come to love in the future.

And a shelf full of books is like a shelf bursting with knowledge and imagination! I find it unfailingly amazing that you can stuff so much into such a tiny physical space.

So please, go and look at this yourselves and appreciate the wonder that is other people's bookshelves. Here is one of my favourites:

And, for your viewing pleasure, have a gander at some of mine:

Want Some Company?

Went to Sam's last night to watch Season 2 of the OC and some shit scary movies with him, Andy, Joanie (surprisingly not awkward?) and some other Castle-related kids.

Ended up crashing there. No, not in Sam's bed, but in his spare room.
Which resulted in this conversation via message after we had all gone to bed:

G: Feels very weird to be sleeping in your house but in your spare room fyi!
S: Haha yeah no doubt :P
G: Mmm I much prefer your room, less eerie empty space, more company
S: Well I'd say come here but Andy's in the next room, might get awkward.
G: Haha so considerate of you. You could come here if you want, although i guess Andy's still down the hallway ...
S: Na it's still a bit too close for comfort. I'll see you tomorrow :)
G: Yeah, you're right. Ahh well, eerie empty space it is for me. You know where to find me if you change your mind.

Totally embarassed right now.

Ps. Will do a party recap v. soon!

A Playlist Sneak-Peak

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

Ca Plane Pour Moi - Plastique Bertrand

You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record) - Dead or Alive

Hummingbird - Born Ruffians

Lotion - Greenskeepers

Search & Destroy - Iggy & The Stooges

Slow Hands - Interpol

ABC - The Jackson Five

Yea Yeah - Matt and Kim

Rebel Rebel - David Bowie

When It Started - The Strokes

Lisztomania - Phoenix

Take On Me - Aha

Gamma Ray - Beck

Crystalised - The xx

A-Punk - Vampire Weekend

11th Dimension - Julian Casablancas

Over and Over - Hot Chip

Sleepy Head - Passion Pit

Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

Blue Monday - New Order

AND NOW I'LL STOP

But my house is hopefully going to look like the inside of this popular nightspot ;) (which looks SO much less hipster than usual, by the way):

And all I am going to do is THIS:

IT'S MY PARTY

And I'm definitely not going to cry, it's going to be fucking amazing!
I turn 19 this coming Monday, so I'm celebrating on Friday with 100 of my favourite people.

The things I'm most excited about:

1. Everyone has to wear denim (otherwise I wont give them a free shot). This idea arose from McFly always giving me shit about "wearing weird peices of denim". I figured I could wear a whole lot of "weird denim" and so could everyone else.



2. I am going to wear a Texan Tuxedo - of which google has disappointingly few photos, or else I'd share one. Rest assured that it's denim from head to toe. I'll take a photo of myself and share on Saturday ok!



3. There will be 3 types of punch, one of which will be predominantely full of Stones Green Ginger Wine.


4. Shark will be mixing said punch as she is a competent bartender.



5. I will be doing nothing at all past 8pm as I will be getting irretrievably shitfaced :)



6. That excludes dancing for 4 hours, as that is exactly what I intend to do. You have no idea how much time I have put into finessing this playlist. CAN'T WAIT.



7. I'm going to take a million photos (both film & digital, because I'm obsessed with disposable cameras) and POST THEM HERE. Sans faces though I guess. I hate this anonymous stuff sometimes.
   

Ps. The reason I love disposable cameras is because of the COLOURS:

In Hindsight...

So Blondie J is thinking about why we miss our pasts.

To be honest with you, I think we miss them because we've blurred them so much in hindsight that they appear to be better than they are.

This weekend (the first for me after exams finished!) has been good, but last night I found myself wandering around Slew wishing I had still only just turned 18 and that this was all still new to me. And that the people I am now good friends/at least acquaintances with were still those intimidating cool kids I half knew from uni who always sat in the corner and smoked and stared. Sometimes I'd join their circle on the dancefloor and feel so self-conscious, wondering the whole time if they thought I was some kind of uncoordinated freak. Then that one time they offered to walk me home (considering we live around the corner from one another) and everything started to change. Now I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night thinking about how I could message one of them and go out or at least sit around on their back porch with drinks/drugs, but feeling like I just want to go to bed and that I don't really enjoy hanging out with them that much anyway.

Strange how things change, right?

how to fight loneliness:
smile all the time
shine your teeth to meaningless,
and sharpen them with lies

(wilco - girl interrupted soundtrack)

i feel like i miss being the 16 year old who used to watch ultra sad/awful/drugfucked movies at home alone and listen to sad music and hate makeup except eyeliner and bite her nails and get drunk in parks with boys and cry

but why?

now i am a 19 year old who doesnt have much time to watch movies alone at all, listens to happy/dancey music and gets drunk at clubs with girls and dances and paints her nails many tropical shades and knows how to look pretty with makeup on

i dont knowwwwwwwww. attemps to relive old goodtimes after exams finished just reminded me of how much dan and i are different to those people now. especially to harold who deserves his khaki green lame colour for being such a dick head.

'ew, i don't want to sit near you anymore man, you've had your dick covered in shit'

can you please stop being 15 years old. there are lots of sexual and pharmaceutical experiences that everyone has the right to enjoy themselves. nobody should force their beliefs on anybody else. just live and let live!

on another note...
should i feel guilty about having the best 30 minutes of my night on wednesday (at the end of year show for meds) when past flame-from-afar, best looking boy in second year, cam, was talking to me and (possibly pretending to be) interested in my tastes in music/life?
♥

but i went and met dan at the pub later right? its okay? harmless and all.

let's undress like cross eyed strangers

Neuroticism

So this whole Sam saga has just reminded me that I am an obsessive person.

Hi, my name is Grey and I am neurotic.

No, but seriously. I get bored unless I have something to focus my energies on. People are of course the most satisfying thing to obsess over, because they think and talk and change every day and they can obsess over YOU. However, in light of my current circumstances, in which I irrationally became obsessed with Sam despite the fact that I don't even like him that much (we don't click and I know it!), I clearly need to obsess over people less. People obsessions just end in me or them getting hurt. Usually me. So, things and activities are needed.

As a consquence of this new conviction, I have come up with a list of things to get me through the summer:

1. Exam study (until the 12th)


2. Reading Jane Austen books (right now, Pride and Prejudice *swoon*)


3. Makin' sweet music (aka playing my guitar somewhat tunelessly in my room in preparation for starting a band with my friends. This will undoubtedly end up being a couple of "jam sessions" while we're drunk/high and think we sound amazing, but actually sound awful)


4. Reinventing myself (which I get the urge to do once a year, this time it's going to involve black lipstick and many lengths of industrial gague chains)


5. Writing a play with my friend Shark about the few months when we both worked at a gay bar while underage. Might have to make a retropost about that soon.


6. Maybe finally writing this book I've been talking about FOREVER


7. Going out on the town with my similarly single friends; drinking, taking drugs and making jokes about people and/or obsessing about them from afar (which is far less damaging than up-close). So really, a summer dominated by moments like this:

That should do the trick, right? *Tugs at collar nervously*

Probably not. Already obsessing over finding someone new to obsess about. Also still obsessing about the possibility of no-strings-attached sex with Sam when I stop caring about who he sleeps with (not too far away).

UH OH!

Let's All Calm Down, Shall We?

So I sent that facebook message to Sam last week and it lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
I felt better immediately.

I thought I'd give you a sneak peak into my very real world and post the message I sent to him:

Hey, ok. So by now you must know that I am the queen of conflict avoidance, right? Good, glad we've got that sorted.

Well I meant to have a bit of a chat to you when you were over just before, but obviously, failed spectacularly at saying anything of significance. Really I just want to know where I stand with you after this weekend. Friday night just brought home to me the fact that I'm becoming very attached to you, and it's fairly clear that you just want to play the field, or at least aren't that attached to me. So I'm thinking that I should probably stop sleeping with you or nights like Friday are going to keep happening and I'm going to go insane.

Also I don't particularly appreciate being your "root of last resort", which is how I feel most of the time. And that's really, really not alright. I feel I owe a lot more to myself than to play that role for anyone.

But then again, perhaps this whole message is completely unnecessary because you really liked the girl you went home with and want to pursue her! If so, good luck, I guess. I just apologise in advance for any upcoming occasions during which I do my, "I hate conflict so instead of getting angry at you (which would be futile AND irrational) I'm going to act like you don't exist" thing (like last night, sorry about that by the way).

Oh and just for your general information, I think the reason Friday upset me quite as much as it did was because it was like all those months of Fridays with Cherry all over again. It just hit the wrong buttons in a big way, I guess. Ahh, also it didn't help that the same night she told me you told her not to go home with me, she also told me, and I quote: "I don't want to stir shit between you and Sam, I know you don't think there's any to stir, but I've heard differently. Joanie told me that Sam said he really likes you and she thinks he'll probably ask you out soon." Which at the time I took as probably true, because I was drunk and had forgotten that she's a pathological liar. More reason for you and I both to hate her? Haha. I'm pretty impressed though that she was only here for under 2 weeks but still managed to completely and utterly fuck up my life. Because before that I was totally casual about the you and I thing. Thankssssssss C. Oh also I heard the same thing from another source, but it's probably related to the shit Cherry was talking? That's what I'm going to assume for the time being anyway.

So now you know where I'm coming from, I felt I needed to say something about it.

Reading over this now makes me cringe! Awful, awful. Too obsessive. Just awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel this way at ALL anymore (and what, it's been two weeks?). I'm a fickle being I guess.

Can't help thinking that give me another couple of weeks and I'm going to end up in his bed again. Uh ohhhh.