A New Year's Eve to Remember

What a night, what a night.

Well actually, it began at 1pm at Cat's boyfriend's house with them and Jaydee. No matter what people tell you, vodka and spas DO mix.

But the NIGHT. The night was eventful.

Clara oh so kindly decided not to drink and instead to ferry us around in her parents' car all night. For this kind service, I compensated her with a dexy. The crew consisted of her, Sam, Charlie, another regular, Katie-Grey (yes, we have very similar names in real life too) and myself. We all met at Castle to have a few drinks before hitting a themed party (CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE). Of course, none of us dressed up. I have found over the years that Castle are not really theme kind of people. Unless of course they choose the theme and/or it's Halloween. Anything to do with fake blood and zombies gets them going.

The party, in Sam's words, was "bangin'". Clara, Katie-Grey and I had a bit of a dance to some nigga beatzzzz (yes, you do have to be ironic about it) on a makeshift dance-floor and had a bit of a chat to Dunk, who showed up with his girlfriend a bit later. Pity we didn't know too many other people! Sam did though, and when the rest of us went and sat out on the pavement in front of the house to drink and talk, he insisted that we stay for a while longer.

This is why we ended up having our countdown not at a party, but out front of a party. Quite nice really, especially considering that when Katie-Grey gets drunk, she gets mouthy, and I love it. "SKAAAAAAAAANKS" was yelled loudly at a few party-goers just before midnight.

This is the point at which she decides to inform me that she knows some very intimate details of my odd relationship with Sam. To put it frankly, she knows everything. Great.

Awwwwwwwwesome.

And she wont tell me anything!

Please note that all of us are well on our way to being shitfaced here, I had already drunk a quarter of a bottle of rum (gross). Katie-Grey disappeared off home with her on-again, off-again boyfriend. Hopefully they're on again for good!
Then the rest of us piled into Clara's car in order to get to a warehouse party called Concreto. We decided that the warehouse/space used to be an concrete factory, hence the name. I kind of doubt it though, this was drunken logic.
The drive there was epic, considering it should have taken us 15 minutes, but instead lasted for half an hour (at least). We were all drinking in the car (illegal) and Sam was trying to navigate from his iPhone, which I decided was ridiculous, so I co-opted the road map. What resulted was a very drunken Charlie and I trying to navigate from the backseat, yelling about freeways being in the wrong place and THOSE DARN ONE WAY ROADS.
During an attempted u-turn (very illegal) we managed to find a cop car. Greeeeeaaaaat. Thank god Clara hadn't been drinking. Well, I freaked out because she'd had a quarter of one of my rum & cokes about 2 hours earlier, but HEY I was illegally taking shots out of a bottle in the back of a car on new years with drugs in my bag. I think it's kind of fair enough that I was a bit worried.
Thankfully, Clara blew under the limit on the breath test and we finally made it to the party.

Concreto was as you'd expect, big, loud, amazingly lit, with good music and plenty of great people. Immediately upon entering, Sam sidled up to a beautiful girl and started dancing with her. While I am getting over this I'm still not ready to watch this, especially when I'm drunk. I try to ignore it. I talk to Clara and Charlie and some of our other friends. And then some guy drops a glowstick (why were there glowsticks? was this a rave?) at my feet and I start flirting outrageously with him. We dance. He takes me by the waist and kisses me. He takes my hand and leads me out into the party, away from Sam and his doomed attempts to bag this far too good looking girl. This party has suddenly gotten a hell of a lot better.
Turns out this guy's name is Tom and we were in the same political theory unit last semester. Turns out he's very cute. Turns out we have a lot to talk about. This is good.
At around 4am I got too cold to function properly (yeah it was probably mid-20s, but the summer has made me weak), and told Tom that I had to leave. He tried to get me to stay a little longer, let him walk me home, but I declined. No more of this "sure I'll go home with you" bunk. I'm over it. He got my number and I stumbled drunkenly out the door.

In the car, Sam was disgruntled, having failed at bagging the girl, and in my state I thought maybe also because I succeeded while he didn't. Who knows if that's true, or if he sincerely doesn't care what I do and never really did. Clara invited us all back to her empty house, but Sam declined the offer, citing "why would I go to someone else's house when mine's right here?" as a reason. Angryyyyyy Sam. Charlie decided to stay on for the journey and the three of us ended up chatting and drinking until 7am, while the sun slowly rose in the background. Looking back on this, I recognise how ridiculous it was that I was still taking shots out of a rum bottle in Clara's kitchen in the middle of the morning.

When I woke up that afternoon I was still very drunk. What a great New Years.

New Woman, Old Woman

I woke up on Wednesday morning feeling like everything was a little bit freer and easier than it had been on Tuesday night. Thinking about this Sam thing made me want to shrug my shoulders and say, "Eh, no big deal. Neither of us are really interested in each other. Whatever." for the first time in a long time.
I spent the day strutting my stuff from one side of the city to another (I think I walked for about 3 hours!) in an outfit that made me feel like a million bucks, listening to trashy music that made me feel sexy. There's nothing a good strut in public can't fix, especially when it draws appreciative looks!
I felt like a new woman, with a new, more positive outlook on life and just a touch more self-worth.

Mmm, pity I fucked it up that night.

I got a message at 7:30 from Sam asking me to go out with him and a friend of ours who is visiting for a few weeks. However, due to various family committments, I couldn't go until 11 or 12. Unfortunately, by the time I was free, he wasn't answering his phone. Drunk, I assumed.
This resulted in the drunken hour during which I told my father about Alexis/Animal Collective Thursday. He is probably the greatest parent anyone could ask for. Not only was he completely supportive of my drug taking, he gave me tips for the next time I took it and told me that there's no point if I didn't take 2 tabs. Legend.

At past 12 I finally get a reply from Sam. Sorry, we've all bailed home. How was your night?
I replied by saying my night was awesome, and questioned whether he was going to bed. Purely because I thought they might still be sitting around out the back of Castle and that I might join.
No, he wasn't going to bed, but no one was around. I could come and watch the OC with him if I wanted. Drunk, and very much awake, I decided that this was a good choice.
Well, I mean, it wasn't a bad choice.
It just meant we slept together again and I completely lost the progress I had made that day. And, waking up in his bed the next morning, I felt like he cared about me less than ever before. Here's where I need to be too.

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Charlie's back!

He arrived completely unexpectedly on Christmas Day after being in Europe for these past 6 months. Best Christmas surprise ever. And McFly is definitely coming back on January 12th. The summer/life is starting to look a whole lot brighter, these two are my absolute favourites.

Yesterday I went over to Castle to hang out with Andy. However, we both ended up getting roped into cleaning and moving Sam's stuff into the front room with him and Dunk. Yep, that's right, Sam's a bonafide Castle resident now. Still unsure how I feel about this, because now I really can't get away from him. And given his recent mixed messages (Grey, come and get dinner with me, come and get breakfast with me, let's watch old 90210 together, I'm just going to fall asleep on your shoulder with my hand wrapped around your arm at a party. But um, I'm going to spend the whole of Saturday night hitting on another girl, whatevs), I think I might want to get away from him. Oh well.

But onto more exciting things. After the clean up, Charlie came over to Castle and talked up a storm about his European adventures mostly featuring 1) Drugs, 2) Girls, and 3) Drugs. Classic Charlie. The whole crew dropped over after that and it was pretty great watching everyone's faces as each of them realised our recent returnee was there. As per usual, we then drank far too much, took some dexies and went out. Although we left Charlie on a mattress in the back room, drunk as fuck. Ohhhhh C. Nothing changes.

All My Loves Are Leaving Me

For one city or another.

Caitie's already gone to Iowa and she's gone for a year.
Clara is around for that year, but then she's auditioning for acting schools out in the big bad real world (Sydney, London, the U.S.). Thing is, she's good enough to get in, and then she's gone for good.
McFly's leaving either mid-year 2010 or at the end of the year, because he's graduated. Then it's NYC for him.
Sam is going to move to London in the middle of next year. There goes all the drama in my life, and his cute smile.
Rana is transferring unis over to Melbourne.
Even Blondie J is taking a year off uni next year and is moving down south with Dan so she can save money.

Sometimes I just want to make time stand still, so everyone would stay.

Alexis/Animal Collective Thursday

Everyone new to the band was waiting for this:





We got that, and so much more. But to be honest, all I really remember other than that is this:




And do you want to know why? Because Caitie came over beforehand and convinced me to get the 2 tabs of acid (in our personal dialect, "alexis") out of my freezer and into our bloodstreams.
Best/worst decision EVER.
When Clara fronted up at my door, Caitie immediately informed her of our plan and her involvement in it, which was non-negotiable. Bit of a shock, one can imagine.

We walked half way to Washington, where they were playing, and put the tiny half-tabs we'd cut up under our tongues. To be honest, I didn't think anything was going to happen. You see, just after he left for London, Charlie gave me the amazing going-away present of 2 tabs of acid, saying, "It's just going to deteriorate in my room, you may as well have it". So it had been sitting in my freezer for a good 6 months, which anyone who is acquainted with the drug would know is not really that good for its potency.

Despite my misgivings, it came on in full force. I was swaying and chewing and saying things like, "I'm not inside myself, it's like I'm just a little bit outside of my head." And Animal Collective's music was made to trip to.

On the way back to Castle, Clara and I laughed for 20 minutes straight about nothing.
Max Dunkeld was pretty much the nicest guy ever (he was sober) and gave us nice little tips on tripping & life.
Andy was on a full tab, and unfortunately was having a bad trip, so disappeared halfway through a few conversations.
Sam sat opposite me and complained about his dud pill.
We just tripped out until Max wanted to go to bed and we had to find someplace else to go.

This is where things get a little silly. Caitie decided that she wanted to go back to her place and that driving her car would be the best idea. I believe I repeated the phrase, "You don't have any depth perception when you're on acid" ten times. However, eventually I caved and SOMEHOW we made the 20 minute drive from the city to her house. Kind of amazed that we're alive right now. Also not telling ANYONE that. Two people have already asked how we got to her house and I have lied and said "a taxi".

Anyway, the rest of the night was spent in Caitie's room talking and laughing and drawing until around 6am when we finally fell asleep. Although Clara lost the ability to speak for a good few hours. Under normal circumstances this would be worrying, however, on acid it was just really funny.

Sam has described the experience as being like, "reverting to your ten year old self". I thought it was more like your six year old self. Except you're unable to do a lot of things that a six year old could do. Like see/stand/write/draw properly.

The following pages are what I produced during the many hours in Caitie's room:





Oh, and I forgot to mention that no matter how much you take, acid always lasts for 8 hours. We forgot about this. Good one grrrrrls. This resulted in some serious backlash as I missed an appointment with my dad the next morning to cut down a Christmas tree.
I was labelled a "selfish teenager".
Taking drugs on a whim? Yeah, I guess that's pretty selfish.

THE PARTY

A little taster ...

My good friend Rana and I (I'm in the denim) putting up the ridiculously long paper chains that Shark made for me as an insomnia cure.

Shark to your far right, Blondie J with the amazing booty shorts, Jaydee in the dress and my dad sauntering past.

Bondie J, in probably the best outfit ever.

Here you can appreciate the back of Caitie's dress and the sweet spread we laid on (3 types of punch + 4 goon bags anyone?).

And my favourite gay boys arrive.

The amazing Clara! Who has the best mane of hair you've ever seen. We're going to go watch Where the Wild Things Are today, and I think I'm going to make wild beast mane jokes the whole time ;)

McFly, Sam, Andy & me looking skeazy/drunk (which I was).

McFly, just the best.

My backyard mid-party feat. Sam in the bottom right-hand corner sitting amongst Castle and Castle-associated kids. And you can just glimpse Joanie in the top left-hand corner with all the people I used to go to parties with during my Cherry days.

All in all, a successful night. Everyone said they enjoyed themselves :)

Want Some Company?

Went to Sam's last night to watch Season 2 of the OC and some shit scary movies with him, Andy, Joanie (surprisingly not awkward?) and some other Castle-related kids.

Ended up crashing there. No, not in Sam's bed, but in his spare room.
Which resulted in this conversation via message after we had all gone to bed:

G: Feels very weird to be sleeping in your house but in your spare room fyi!
S: Haha yeah no doubt :P
G: Mmm I much prefer your room, less eerie empty space, more company
S: Well I'd say come here but Andy's in the next room, might get awkward.
G: Haha so considerate of you. You could come here if you want, although i guess Andy's still down the hallway ...
S: Na it's still a bit too close for comfort. I'll see you tomorrow :)
G: Yeah, you're right. Ahh well, eerie empty space it is for me. You know where to find me if you change your mind.

Totally embarassed right now.

Ps. Will do a party recap v. soon!

Neuroticism

So this whole Sam saga has just reminded me that I am an obsessive person.

Hi, my name is Grey and I am neurotic.

No, but seriously. I get bored unless I have something to focus my energies on. People are of course the most satisfying thing to obsess over, because they think and talk and change every day and they can obsess over YOU. However, in light of my current circumstances, in which I irrationally became obsessed with Sam despite the fact that I don't even like him that much (we don't click and I know it!), I clearly need to obsess over people less. People obsessions just end in me or them getting hurt. Usually me. So, things and activities are needed.

As a consquence of this new conviction, I have come up with a list of things to get me through the summer:

1. Exam study (until the 12th)


2. Reading Jane Austen books (right now, Pride and Prejudice *swoon*)


3. Makin' sweet music (aka playing my guitar somewhat tunelessly in my room in preparation for starting a band with my friends. This will undoubtedly end up being a couple of "jam sessions" while we're drunk/high and think we sound amazing, but actually sound awful)


4. Reinventing myself (which I get the urge to do once a year, this time it's going to involve black lipstick and many lengths of industrial gague chains)


5. Writing a play with my friend Shark about the few months when we both worked at a gay bar while underage. Might have to make a retropost about that soon.


6. Maybe finally writing this book I've been talking about FOREVER


7. Going out on the town with my similarly single friends; drinking, taking drugs and making jokes about people and/or obsessing about them from afar (which is far less damaging than up-close). So really, a summer dominated by moments like this:

That should do the trick, right? *Tugs at collar nervously*

Probably not. Already obsessing over finding someone new to obsess about. Also still obsessing about the possibility of no-strings-attached sex with Sam when I stop caring about who he sleeps with (not too far away).

UH OH!

Let's All Calm Down, Shall We?

So I sent that facebook message to Sam last week and it lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
I felt better immediately.

I thought I'd give you a sneak peak into my very real world and post the message I sent to him:

Hey, ok. So by now you must know that I am the queen of conflict avoidance, right? Good, glad we've got that sorted.

Well I meant to have a bit of a chat to you when you were over just before, but obviously, failed spectacularly at saying anything of significance. Really I just want to know where I stand with you after this weekend. Friday night just brought home to me the fact that I'm becoming very attached to you, and it's fairly clear that you just want to play the field, or at least aren't that attached to me. So I'm thinking that I should probably stop sleeping with you or nights like Friday are going to keep happening and I'm going to go insane.

Also I don't particularly appreciate being your "root of last resort", which is how I feel most of the time. And that's really, really not alright. I feel I owe a lot more to myself than to play that role for anyone.

But then again, perhaps this whole message is completely unnecessary because you really liked the girl you went home with and want to pursue her! If so, good luck, I guess. I just apologise in advance for any upcoming occasions during which I do my, "I hate conflict so instead of getting angry at you (which would be futile AND irrational) I'm going to act like you don't exist" thing (like last night, sorry about that by the way).

Oh and just for your general information, I think the reason Friday upset me quite as much as it did was because it was like all those months of Fridays with Cherry all over again. It just hit the wrong buttons in a big way, I guess. Ahh, also it didn't help that the same night she told me you told her not to go home with me, she also told me, and I quote: "I don't want to stir shit between you and Sam, I know you don't think there's any to stir, but I've heard differently. Joanie told me that Sam said he really likes you and she thinks he'll probably ask you out soon." Which at the time I took as probably true, because I was drunk and had forgotten that she's a pathological liar. More reason for you and I both to hate her? Haha. I'm pretty impressed though that she was only here for under 2 weeks but still managed to completely and utterly fuck up my life. Because before that I was totally casual about the you and I thing. Thankssssssss C. Oh also I heard the same thing from another source, but it's probably related to the shit Cherry was talking? That's what I'm going to assume for the time being anyway.

So now you know where I'm coming from, I felt I needed to say something about it.

Reading over this now makes me cringe! Awful, awful. Too obsessive. Just awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel this way at ALL anymore (and what, it's been two weeks?). I'm a fickle being I guess.

Can't help thinking that give me another couple of weeks and I'm going to end up in his bed again. Uh ohhhh.

Conflict Avoidance

EPICLY EPIC FAIL at any conversation with Sam.

I literally did not mention anything when he came to get his bike because I was too worried that he was in the middle of deciding to date the girl he went home with on Friday and would laugh at me for having these kinds of feelings.

WHYYYYY DO I DO THIS?!

Strongly considering a facebook message.

Correction

Apparently it wasn't that rank slut Fox that Sam went home with.
In fact, it was rank slut Fox's friend, page-boy haircut, teal dress-wearing, SOMEWHAT CHUBBY friend.
Currently unsure if this makes it better or worse. Better because he didn't go home with some rank slut which would devalue his choice of me as a bed partner. But then worse because he might actually like pageboytealchubby girl and then they'll go on dates and he'll be all like, "Oh no sorry, can't hang out tonight, seeing pageboytealchubby girl, isn't she just GREAT, don't you just LOVE her?!"
And then I will want to kill myself.

Saw him last night when I went to a party with Castle. I hung out with Andy mostly and McFly, although he is usually otherwise occupied with semi-liked, semi-resented girlfriend Hana (who made cupcakes for our friend who is moving to Melbourne? Innnnnnnnnteresting).
But back to Sam.
I did my usual, "I hate conflict so instead of yelling at you I am going to pretend that you don't exist" thing. Pleasantly reminded me of Cherry once more. No, GOOD, these past few weeks haven't been a relationshipy disaster at ALL. But yeah, he had the nerve to message me before the party about leaving his bike tied to my fence until today and seemed like he wanted to start a casual message conversation? I was like, "NO WAY JOSE". I mean, read my facebook status and many comments and you will see how angry I am with you Samuel.
Yes, I am the most passive-agressive person ever.
And then when I left by myself he decided to be "caring friend Sam" and make sure I had some way to get home. Which just made me more angry because it's like, you didn't seem to give a shit how I got home LAST NIGHT, DID YOU??? But it's ok, because Blondie J came and picked me up. Her and Dan had an adorable little altercation in the car about whether to get Maccas sundaes on the way to my house or the way back to theirs. I love those two.

So that's my Saturday story! I'll keep you updated on what happens when Sam comes to get his bike. Fingers crossed I'll have the guts to talk to him about how irrationally angry I got at him and how this means that I need to distance myself from him. Guhhh. This is shit.

FUCK YOU OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter/hormone that gets released in a woman's brain after she has sex (among other times) and is thought to facilitate love, trust and pair bonding.
And right now, there is nothing more I hate than how oxytocin has made me feel about Sam, who I'm not even that compatible with anyway.

Last night Sam went home with this rank Fox bitch (she doesn't get a colour, I loathe her right now) who has fucked half of Slew. He has previously hooked up with her and that very night saw her hooking up with 2 other guys at Slew.
No Sam? What's that? You didn't want a girl with any dignity?
Oh GOOD. Well you've succeeded then. Picked a quality dame there.
And not only did he go home with her, but it was right in front of my fucking face! He kept looking over at me on the Slew dancefloor like a child anxiously watches his parent as he does something "naughty".
And all this coming hot on the fucking heels of a few separate sources informing me that he actually really likes me.
No SERIOUSLY, fuck you Samuel. FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.

I am so incredibly bored of being treated like I am a piece of shit. Like I'm just an object to be used when you feel like it, but then discarded as soon as a better offer comes along. If I'm going to get involved with anyone I want them to respect me and like me as a human being and realise that it's not alright to imply an emotional connection to someone and then fuck someone else just because you can. I want someone to appreciate me for the interesting and intelligent person I am. And I'm just SO INCREDIBLY BORED of getting fucked around like this.

Oh, and did I mention that right now his bike is tied up to my front fence? I am SO tempted to do a Joanie on him and unscrew some screws or unchain some chains. Pity I'm not "emotionally unstable" enough to go through with it.
Oh well. The plan though, is to have a bit of a confrontation (unlikely that I will do this unfortunately, it sucks to have no spine). I will say to him:

"Alright Sam, I need to have a bit of a conversation with you about last night. I actually found myself getting quite upset about the fact that you went home with Fox, mostly because I have heard from a few sources that you actually have feelings for me, so I have started to get really attached to you. Clearly you want to play the field and me getting attached is a terrible idea. However, it's reached a point here where I cannot deal with you going home with other girls, I can't go back to being as
unattached as I used to be. So I think that it's best that we go back to just
being purely friends."

(Dieing to add: YOU ARE A FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER AND I LOATHE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY)
But I really don't want to just be friends with him? This is utterly shit. I can't keep sleeping with him if he wants to fuck multiple people and I don't, it would just kill me.

I'm going to go and read "A Man of Few Words" now to remind myself of how silent and manipulative and immature and boring he is. Should help, right?

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hurt right now.

My ex sort-of-girlfriend is visiting this little city for 9 days. The reason that was never a real relationship was because she moved interstate a few months after I met her and fell completely head over heels for her. Also, the fact that she was "coming to terms with falling in love with a girl" apparently drove her to make out with men in front of me, WHATEVS. I forgave her for that whole thang though. I haven't seen her since March, so I thought I'd be over it and be able to hang out with her without getting emotionally attached all over again.

How wrong I was.

The moment I saw her I realised just how much I'd missed her and her enthusiasm for life. She's changed a bit, but it's all for the better. She's more punctual, she's less flighty, she's less of a "loose woman". In fact, she's become more like the person I always wished she would be.
She met me after I finished work and we got coffee, which was perfectly civilised. Within 15 minutes of walking around after coffee though, it degenerated into us walking arm-around-waist and arm-around-shoulder like old, loving times.

Fuck, I've missed her.

She bought a bottle of champagne and we took it back to my house. We made a toast over an Edith Piaf record in my room, and then she dressed me for the Friday night ahead.

I'd forgotten how beautiful she was.

We walked into the Io (latenighthipster) Cafe like a golden couple. I couldn't stop smiling. She bought me a rose from a vendor and we shared a vegetarian pizza while holding hands under the table. A friend later told me I was glowing.

I'd forgotten how happy she makes me.

We went to a string of bars with a string of people and I just couldn't stop touching her. Pity that Sam was there. I've been sleeping with him on and off for awhile now, but I'd resolved that it was just fucking, with no strings attached. He'd seen another girl for few weeks while we were at the height of our liason and it seemed like he really liked her, so obviously he doesn't like me. Right? Otherwise he surely would never have gone home with her over me. However, he and my ex go way back and he really doesn't like her, so naturally he is a little protective of me around her.

Whatever.

We all ended up at Slew and danced the night away on a couple of dexies. It was probably the best time I've had there in months. Everyone was out to see her and we all just danced and danced and danced.

Here comes the tricky part.

She told me that she doesn't want to "stir shit" while she's here, because she's moved on from doing stuff like that now. She's moved away, grown up a bit and wants to salvage her sullied reputation in this town. Fair enough right? But she thinks that getting involved with me will "stir shit" with Sam. I told her that was highly doubtful, as we are just friends who enjoy certain benefits and he doesn't want me in that way.
AU CONTRAIRE, she said, apparently he had told his ex (remember Joanie?) that he regretted ever getting involved with the other girl, really liked me, and was resolving to ask me out in the next couple of weeks.
My only response was: WHAT THE FUCK?!
He was the one who rejected me, this makes no sense!
I told her that I didn't give a shit about his feelings anymore and that she was only here for 9 days and he could suck it up for that long and then could have me back afterwards.

You see, I'm fucking crazy for her, all over again.

However, as we were walking out of Slew, Sam pulled her aside and they had a chat. Then she came to me and informed me that he had whispered to her, "Don't you dare go home with Grey tonight, I want her."
What a fucking presumptuous, manipulative, underhanded, hypocritical bastard.
I wouldn't have told the other girl he went home with to back off because I was sleeping with him! And since when is it his prerogative to decide who I do and do not go home with?! I can fucking well do what I please, thankyou, I'm a big girl.

I was so, so angry.

Needless to say I was even more angry when all I could do was watch powerlessly as she got into a cab and it drove off into the night, taking her further and further away from my bed.
And, my life being what it is, Sam, not knowing that she'd told me exactly what he said, decided he was going to walk me home, right to my door like old times. And of course, he has to drop this little gem, "You're the only girl I've ever been attracted to who isn't mentally unstable ... no, attracted isn't the right word ... I mean ... not that I'm not attracted to you! Just .... oh forget it, I don't know what I'm saying."
What he was saying was that he fucking likes me, wants to date me, and can't wait until the 9 days that she is bringing a light into my life are over. I mean, sure. I like him well enough. I've grown really quite fond of him. But he doesn't make me smile like my life couldn't possibly get any better. He doesn't make me feel like we're the only ones in the room. He doesn't make me want to gloat over how happy I am.

That's all her.

So I refused to respond to his leading statement, because I knew that the moment I acknowledged his romantic advances I would have to discuss the idea of dating him. And maybe I do want to date him, but he just pales into insignificance when she's around. So he can have me when she's gone, but right now, I just want to be "blissfully unaware" of his feelings for me so I can have her.

Next weekend, fuck him, fuck her sensibilities, I'm taking her home with me and I'm going to wake up with my arm around her and smile like my life couldn't possibly get any better.

It's All About the Sexy Undies

A retropost circa 20th of June

Last night was another of those nights you wish you could tell your kids about, but know that they would say "Ewww mum, you're not allowed to have done things like that!".


It was my last night out in this fine city for a month, because tonight I am leaving for London! I'm so excited, it's not even funny. I plan to hit the shops/pubs/clubs/cultural attractions hard.

Anyway, considering it was my last night I wanted to go out with a BANG. I had predrinks at my house (so convenientlty located in the inner city), to which I invited my fave gay boy Julian, a new boy he may or may not be fooling around with, Harry; Blondie J, Jaydee, Bella and a couple of other friends. Naturally, I got silly on red wine (French for $10, ridiculous!) and attempted to apply lipstick in said state as per usual, which is always a fine line between alright & a horrible choice. We all sat around shooting the shit until my dad arrived home from a drinks night, after which we shot the shit with him while he drank vodka & tonics to a soundtrack of Led Zepplin. Such good times.

At around 9.30 we left mine to go to this house party in the next street (Castle, my street and this one, Riverrun, are all parallel one after another). It was the usual scene, indie kids sitting around in unfunctionally small hats, drinking red or cheap spirits, butting out cigarettes in old jars, talking about learning Spanish or some art show and dancing to artful noise. It ended up being just Bella and I, with everyone else peeling off to other destinations and promising to meet me out at Slew after midnight. Now, the interesting part comes when some of the Castle kids turned up (surprising, right?). My three favourites, McFly, Charlie and Sam waltzing through the door sometime around 10:30 immediately made my night.
I've gotta tell you kids, this bit is all a little blurry. I was pretty drunk.
Somehow McFly, Bella and I ended up in one of the housemate's bedrooms in order to rail a ritalin I'd been carrying around since Nokle gave it to me before exams. This was a bit of a bad choice, especially considering the lessons I have already learnt about cold/wet/substances/lack of sleep/bad food combos. But what really put the icing on the cake for my poor brain was the hit of green McFly offered me. It sent me into a sick, messy downward spiral for the next half an hour, during which some major developments occurred.

First of all, I hooked up with Bella on this guy's bed while McFly chose songs on his computer - why the hell wasn't he trying to get in on that action, you may ask? Good question! I really, really don't know, considering he drops threesome innuendos like working girls drop their underwear: As a matter of course.

Next, Sam entered the room and, seeing me in such a state, immediately asked "Are you alright?". I replied "No, no I'm not", and proceeded to grasp his hand for dear life. The pressure I had to exert was the only thing keeping me conscious.
Lovely Gray, real classy.
He then suggested that we go for a walk. I, badly needing some movement and fresh air, readily agreed. In retrospect, this move was a bit of a cunning plan on Sam's part. We hadn't gotten more than 4 houses up the street before we were making out like there was no tomorrow against some poor neighbour's front wall. YES IT FINALLY HAPPENED. And yes, he's a pretty good kisser (for a boy, girls are in a league of their own).

Skip forward twenty minutes of rain-soaked outdoor makeout & groping, and you will see us return to the party and collect McFly and Charlie for the walk to Slew. The club was just as it always is, full of friends and good music. One noteable appearance was that of Sam's recent ex, Joanie. She was lovely to me as always, but keep in mind that she didn't know I'd been kissing her ex all night! He and I had a bit of a dancefloormakeout, a phenomenon that is quite unusual at Slew, most of the patrons feeling they're above that kind of behaviour, which is more suited to the lower echelons over at Washington. McFly went back to Castle pretty early, leaving Sam, Charlie and I hanging out. We all ended up walking home together, with Charlie bowing out upon our arrival at his car. He hates to sleep on the floor at Castle so he always drives, no matter his state or the early hour.

So then there were two.

Sam walked me to my house and upon the prospect of saying good night both of us lent in for a long, sex-filled kiss. "Come back to my house." It was more of a statement than a question when he said it. "I can't, I have to get up early tomorrow and pack ..." My refusal was stifled by another kiss, at the end of which he offered again. This time I couldn't help but agree. I had worn my best new sexy undies, after all.
And the rest is history.
We spent the night together and it wasn't amazing, but it was fun! It had been so so SO long since my last time. I'm really not too sure how I feel about it though, because I don't think I like him enough to date him and I don't know what he wants from me. I guess I'll just have to roll with it; wait and see.
The last interesting point happened the morning after. Sam got up to get a glass of water and returned to his room holding up a denim jacket. Except this wasn't a normal denim jacket. It was cut up and torn and ruined. All he said was, "Apparently Joanie was staying in the living room last night."
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
You see, Sam lives with Alexa, one of Joanie's best friends. She must have decided to stay with Alexa instead of going home. So she must have heard Sam bring someone (probably obviously me) home. And apparently she decided that the best thing to do would be to cut the fuck out of his favourite jacket. She's totally stable. Yeah!
Thank GOD I'm leaving tonight. I can be away for a whole month and let those two craaaaaaaazy kids sort their shit out, without dragging me into their messy post-breakup relationship.
However; Still. Not. Happy.

On the plus side, this afternoon I had two of my favourite people come and visit me while I packed, Jaydee and McFly. As soon as he left my house McFly sent me a message saying "Miss you already". Sometimes I really, really love that boy. I'm going to miss him.

Anyway, wish me luck in Europe! I'll be back soon xx

Jealousy (feat. Desire)

I fucking love this, McFly is jealous of me and Sam. Not that Sam & I are even a thing yet, it's just clear that he likes me and that I'm not impartial to him. But goshdarnit, McFly is definitely jealous (in his own twisted way).
I get the following message from him after enquiring whether or not he was studying at uni:

"I just woke up, might pass on that one. When can we meet up? / When are you MEETING with Sam? lol"

The fact that he is asking to "meet up" with me for no particular reason (he never ever does that, he's more of a take than a give kind of a guy when it comes to appointment scheduling) means that he wants me to sleep with/love him.
Crystal clear.
Asking when I'm meeting Sam just clarifies this point further, McFly wants to have me before I'm no longer attainable.

I love life.

Ps. I'll post about last Saturday soon!!

Power Corrupts

I've been studying so hard for exams, you'd think I couldn't fit anything blogworthy into my week. Right?

Wronggggggggggg.

Thursday

The first part of the day I spent studying like a good little student, but around lunchtime (while I was watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl, yes I am shameless) I got a message from an old flame.

Her name is Zara and a few years ago, when I was about 16, she fucked with my head mercilessly. We didn't live in the same city, but somehow I completely fell for her. It was ridiculous I know! But this was a long time ago, so I have well & truly gotten over it. Pretty much.
Thing is, she's back in town "for good" (she fails pretty dismally at staying in one place for very long, but vows that this one is for realll) and due to my recent arrival on the club scene we now seem to have a lot of mutual friends.

Today, she asked me if she could come & visit me on her way back from the birthday lunch of her favourite gay boy James (who is now a fair-to-good acquaintance of mine). I didn't want to interrupt my parents (sidenote: there is no way I'm moving out while I'm still at uni, this is too sweet a deal) so I said I would come & meet them somewhere. Half an hour later saw me, a little nervous but oh so confident that I am now the hotter, more successful, happier one; walking up to their table at Our House (a very confusingly named bar/restaurant in town).
Keep in mind that this is the first time I have seen her in 2 years.
I was completely and utterly right about being the hotter one (she's gained weight, I've lost it & gotten a far better haircut than at 16) and the fact that I don't really care about her anymore gives me the upper hand.
"I have hand!" as George in Seinfeld would say.
So as James and I gossiped away about friends & ex-lovers, Zara was messaging me from across the table:

"I really want to kiss you."

"You drive me crazy."

"Not just because I'm drunk but I really want you."

"I like, wow, I don't know Gray, I'm blown away."

"You look amazing."

And through all of this I can't help but give her just a liiiiiiiitle bit, but not enough to committ myself to anything.
I'm terrible, right?
But see, this really isn't me at all. I am not the manipulator. I get manipulated. It's just that this time, the tables have turned and I can't help myself. She fucked with me SO MUCH and maybe I do still want to hook up with her now, if only to gain some sense of closure. You know; "She who I wanted once, now wants me". Full circle accomplished.
Let's just hope that I don't get sucked into playing this game too much.
There are boys like Sam and McFly to think of, after all. Not to mention my mental health.

More about the Zara situation in my upcoming post about Saturday.

Gray xx

Fake Fur & Secret Admirers

Yeah, I'm procrastinating to avoid exam study.
Don't judge.
But seriously, Introduction to Regression just isn't looking too appealing, especially considering I did it all in high school.
So here comes the story of Saturday night!

Saturday
Where did I leave you after the story of Friday? Oh that's right, I'd just gotten off the train back from Nokle's house with McFly after he told me some things he probably didn't mean & went to meet The Girl.
Well, I went home, showered and ate and did other boring things you don't really care about.
The more interesting part comes at 5pm when Shark arrived at my house, arms full of dresses, pizza and makeup.
Clearly all very important items when preparing for a 21st.
The theme was ultra-formal so we got all glammed up, me in a backless champagne number, draped with a fur (fake, of course) which I'd picked up as a lark years ago. Our good friend Kate arrived at mine and we got the pre-party underway. Ok, it wasn't really a pre-party, unless you count sitting around in formal wear eating pizza & drinking Passiona as pres. Which I do not.
Just to make us feel even more like we were on our way to the befores for some boy's school's Year 12 Ball, Shark's mother offered to drive us to the party, which of course we accepted, considering it was a good half hour away. Only problem was, she wanted to leave as soon as possible (you know how early parents like to be at home & comfortable!).
So we arrived literally 5 minutes after it started.
Here's where I put an imaginary gun to my head and pull the imaginary trigger.
I really did not know enough people at Aleks Duke's 21st well enough to be there at 7:35. Oh well! Shark certainly had a good time, mingling away with all the uni kids she knew through doing plays last year with the uni Dramatic Society. Ugh.
Pity we were pretty over-dressed as well, at least the fur kept me warm!
Kate and I spent the better part of the first hour swapping stories about our love lives; me telling her about recent McFly developments and the ongoing search for the Secret Admirer, and her letting me in on the goss about her new boy Kamil (!!).
Thankfully there was a bar tab, so we got right into the red wine & champs.
I was really waiting for the Castle kids to get there though, so I was pretty happy when McFly, Charlie, Andy, Max Dunkeld and his girlfriend Lucy-Grace rocked up.
Highlights of the party:

• Hilarious stories about the shady/drunken past of Aleks Duke
• MORE teasing from Charlie about the identity of my secret admirer
• Free wine
• Talking Kate into taking her first ever drag of a cigarette (sorry baby! I usually hate smoking, I don't know what came over me)
• Having Shark talk me into calling Dan, the guy I lost my virginity to while he had a fiancee (I DIDN'T KNOW) and was my boss. It was because she wanted him to hook us up with some pills. Apparently he is more likely to give them to me than her. Probably true, as he still wants to sleep with/date me. Ugh, horrible.
• Shark managing to elbow my in the face during a rather unfortunate turn on the dancefloor; my nose & front teeth still hurt today :
• Driving out & away in the direction of Slew with my favourite two Castle Kids, Charlie and McFly.

Slew was pretty average this night. It may have been because it was a Saturday, and Slew is NEVER as good on Saturdays as on Fridays. Fridays = indie kids dedicated to the scene; Saturdays = electro/miscellaneous characters who come because there's a connecting door open on Saturdays between Slew and Washington, a mainstream electro lobbers' heaven right next door. It also may have been because I was utterly and completely sober by the time we got to Slew, while pretty much everyone else was on something (as per usual).

The only real news to report here is the identity of My Secret Admirer.
Charlie finally caved and told McFly who confirmed that it was who I thought it was: Sam.

When asked what I thought about this, I was kind of lost for an answer. Sam is lovely and cute and totally my type, but I'm not sure if I like him enough to lead him down the garden path, or so to speak.
It doesn't help that McFly is trying harder than ever to ensure my allegiance now he well and truly knows about my yen for him. He's been messaging me about random things/to hang out all week (something he never did before)! The thing about McFly is that no matter how much I tell myself he's an asshole who only wants me to like him because of some deep-seated insecurity, he remains the most attractive man I have ever met in my life. And I feel so comfortable and right with him!
However, I have decided that maybe it's time to turn over a new leaf. Things with McFly will never be any better than they are now, and they're pretty shit at the moment. Let's just see how this Sam thing pans out, maybe if Charlie's right about him liking me we could have something fun :)

Your flattered & somewhat excited blogger, Gray.

Getting to Know You

Evening, Morning, Afternoon.

This is your blogger Gray, posting for the very first time. We decided to start this blog in order to keep a bit of a record of our adventures & to give anyone who may read about them an interesting few minutes (we hope!). So please, dig in and enjoy. I'd like to start this off with a bang, so here's the story of my weekend:

Friday Night
WHAT A DOOZY kids. Really.
Friday started off horrible, cold and rainy. I was quite prepared not to go out at all (but when has that ever happened, right?).

To kick things off, Blondie J came to my house for some chats & shops - also to avoid uni study, seems like a normal Friday already. She talked me into going with her to Jaydee's house to watch a few movies with them & Cat. A grrrly night in. I was meant to go to a party with the Castle kids (necessary backstory: 3 of them live in a house together, known as "Castle" & they have an extended group of friends who all hang out together all the time, also known as Castle. Total scene queens and fun as. I have come to be not one of them, but a Castle acquaintance at least. And I have never known any of them to do anything by half measures). However, the Castle party got cancelled & so they were all just going to go hang out at Castle instead, I decided I might go over there later if I wasn't too tired. SO Jaydee's it was.

We got out Sleepless in Seattle (which I had never seen! How that's possible at the age of 18, I don't know either, cats). Sooooooooooooo mooshy & ridiculous. But fun.
Then I got Blondie to drive me home so I could decide from there (nb. Castle is a mere 5 minutes walk from my house, how convenient, right?). I arrived home to a slightly drunken step mother who had been out on the town with an artist friend of hers. I was still vacillating between calling friends and staying home, so she pounced on the opportunity and convinced me to go out for a drink with her. I suggested that we hit the best oldies bar in town, College (so ironic, love it), at which a good friend of mine, Shark, works. She is beautiful & so always complains about the fact that her tips get pooled at the end of the night (HA).

So off stepmum & I go for a couple of vodkacranberries (the poor man's cosmo) with a little extra vods from Shark (thanks ma cherie). SM complains about the lack of any "men she finds cute - AT ALL" and all I can do is reply, "Well what did you expect, it's a 40+ cruising ground, seriously??". As I started to get a bit liquored (thank you SM for not finishing your drink, thank you Shark for giving me a nearly-full beer that would otherwise have been doomed as "spillage") I of course decided that the night was yet young and ready for the taking so I messaged the adorable Sam. The S man has recently been adopted by Castle after breaking up with his long term girlfriend, as most of their mutual friends still hang out with her *awkward*, and Castle love him for his style & his allnightlongparty(butquietly) attitude. In short, he is lovely, and by far the most reliable of everyone who hangs out at Castle, far more than the beautiful but impossible McFly who I had been talking to about hangouts earlier.

A hop, skip & a jump later and there I was, bottle of red in hand, at Castle. All the crew were there, about 10 in all. I said hi & took a seat out on the back porch in one of their nice, unsteady plastic chairs (I was really gunning for the wheelchair they have, but it had been rained on). Pleasantries & chitchat about snuggies & pug dogs out of the way, it was decided that everyone would stay in (given the awful weather) and drop a pill. Thankfully there was a spare so I could have one (oh, how lucky I was). Just as it started to kick in, Charlie, everyone's favourite Brit, suggested that we go out & hit the town. I agreed, not wanting to waste a good high. I mean, I enjoy staying in & having a gab with friends, but this shit was proving itself to be STRONG and I just wanted to dance! Something that would be ohso against the rules at Castle (they're a little too hip to do something like that). I found myself thanking my lucky stars for Charlie & his initiative because I was in the happiest, loved-up place of my life. I kept giggling at C while he was changing the music in his car. Just before we arrived it occurred to me that if I felt like that, he too felt like that and ... WAIT A SECOND HOW ARE YOU DRIVING???? "Oh don't worry Gray, I'm not as bad as you ... this is like a Friday night ritual anyway, I pretty much go on autopilot."
Right you are Charlie. We do go to the same place every week.

So I've gotta tell ya, our favourite club/bar Slew is a bit of a blur. Although we were there from at least 1:30 to 4am.
A few highlights for you all:

• DANCEDANCEDANCE
• Smokesmokesmoke (horrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible)
• Seeing my friend Bella who is SUCH a smouldering beauty wearing furs & running with her to find some gum.
• Hugging Charlie on the dance floor approximately 5 times throughout the night
• Kissing a girl who was an ex of Charlie's while he smoked yet another rolly outside in the rain
• Introducing myself to the girl Charlie hooked up with not only this night, but ALSO the week before, in order to find out for him what her name was
• Being photographed yet again by the scene photographer who pulls off a Buddy Holly haircut & glasses combo very well; reminding me that I spend wayyyy too much time here
• Receiving a message from Sam informing me that Charlie & I were "missing out on some loving vibes" back at Castle

At close (4am) Charlie & I headed back to his car, with the girl I kissed/his ex who begged a lift home. Was this awkward you ask? Surprisingly not my friends. But that might just have been all the serotonin bouncing around in my synapses switching off my capacity for awkwardness.

So Charlie dropped me back at Castle in the pouring rain where I knocked on the door a good 3 times (!) before considering calling Sam to come let me in. For some weird reason I decided this would be presumptuous. What is up with my brain kids??? Whatever, I was pretty wet as well & didn't like the thought of sitting outside in the freezing cold for another 3 hours. So I just walked back to my house & my warm, comfy bed.

Ok, lies. I sat on facebook/blogs/email for another hour at least before bed. But then bed!

Saturday
So on Saturday afternoon I woke up FEELING AMAZING. Really kids, this was a great flip. I was actually still a little high. Shortly after picking up some lunch I get an odd text from McFly (who is my closest friend among the Castle kids, and the one with whom I have the most complicated relationship) saying "Msg her."

What the hell this was about I have no idea.

The girl I kissed last night???? Maaaaybe. But he never told me why.
MCFLY WHY ARE YOU SO CONFUSING
I'll do some digging & get back to you readers.

Anyway, I messaged back querying what the hell he was talking about & suggested he come over for some lunch if he was still in the area. The boy never eats, it's necessary. Half an hour later my doorbell rings.
"Oh, it's McFly!", I exclaim.
Oh but no. I open the door to a whole bevvy of boys (my favourite kind, pity I'm good friends with them all hehe).

Let's have a list, shall we?

• McFly (American, beautiful, tempting, unattainable)
• Sam (lovely)
• Andy (the reddest of heads, gay, quiet but intriguing, one of the 3 who actually lives at Castle)
• Ivan (Andy's boyf, a new addition to the set)
• Max Dunkeld, often referred to as "Dunkeld" (a photographer & the most enigmatic inhabitant of Castle Street. He once told me that I had "a look about me that made it seem like I knew the answers to all questions - like a sage or an oracle". See what I mean? Best compliment I've ever gotten though.)

So the boys & I had a nice chat on my back veranda with Turkish bread, salami, dip & chocolate biscuits. What a pleasant surprise it was. Pity I hadn't had the presence of mind to change out of my velvet leggings WITH A HOLE IN THE CROTCH. Don't be surprised when I tell you I kept my legs crossed the entire time until I could contrive a reason to go to my room & change into some jeans. Thank goodness for oversized men's t-shirts!

After they left I had finally come down from Friday night's recreation aid & had located a joint. One that was far, far stronger than I had expected, because I was a slowwwwwwwwwwwww mess for the next 4 hours.
A special sorry must go to Shark who came to visit me in this state, my memory of our conversations is a giggly blur. Also apologies to my cousin, who called our house to tell us she just got engaged to her long-term boyf (congratulations!!); I totally couldn't appreciate it.
Just as I was beginning to come out of it Andy invited me to come over to Castle to help him with an essay he was writing. He was home alone and HATES that, and I love essay writing, so really it was a match made in heaven. Right here is where you can pinpoint where I went wrong:

1. Spending time outside on the Castle porch for copious smokebreaks (Andy smoking, not me!) in the chilling cold
2. Happily taking the half a dexie Andy offered me to stay awake/get out of stonerville
3. Staying at Castle until Andy was 3/4 of the way through the essay, at which time it was around 3am

Add 1, 2 and 3 together in a human mixing bowl, marinate until Sunday morning and VOILA, we have severe, bed-confining, tonsillitis.
Not. Alright.

So dear readers, this is tonsillitis-y Gray signing off her very first post on All Our Weekends.
I hope you have enjoyed & learnt something from my escapades: Take many substances, sit out in the cold, don't sleep, don't eat well & you WILL become ill.

Chat to you later cats,

Gray.