Neuroticism

So this whole Sam saga has just reminded me that I am an obsessive person.

Hi, my name is Grey and I am neurotic.

No, but seriously. I get bored unless I have something to focus my energies on. People are of course the most satisfying thing to obsess over, because they think and talk and change every day and they can obsess over YOU. However, in light of my current circumstances, in which I irrationally became obsessed with Sam despite the fact that I don't even like him that much (we don't click and I know it!), I clearly need to obsess over people less. People obsessions just end in me or them getting hurt. Usually me. So, things and activities are needed.

As a consquence of this new conviction, I have come up with a list of things to get me through the summer:

1. Exam study (until the 12th)


2. Reading Jane Austen books (right now, Pride and Prejudice *swoon*)


3. Makin' sweet music (aka playing my guitar somewhat tunelessly in my room in preparation for starting a band with my friends. This will undoubtedly end up being a couple of "jam sessions" while we're drunk/high and think we sound amazing, but actually sound awful)


4. Reinventing myself (which I get the urge to do once a year, this time it's going to involve black lipstick and many lengths of industrial gague chains)


5. Writing a play with my friend Shark about the few months when we both worked at a gay bar while underage. Might have to make a retropost about that soon.


6. Maybe finally writing this book I've been talking about FOREVER


7. Going out on the town with my similarly single friends; drinking, taking drugs and making jokes about people and/or obsessing about them from afar (which is far less damaging than up-close). So really, a summer dominated by moments like this:

That should do the trick, right? *Tugs at collar nervously*

Probably not. Already obsessing over finding someone new to obsess about. Also still obsessing about the possibility of no-strings-attached sex with Sam when I stop caring about who he sleeps with (not too far away).

UH OH!

Let's All Calm Down, Shall We?

So I sent that facebook message to Sam last week and it lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
I felt better immediately.

I thought I'd give you a sneak peak into my very real world and post the message I sent to him:

Hey, ok. So by now you must know that I am the queen of conflict avoidance, right? Good, glad we've got that sorted.

Well I meant to have a bit of a chat to you when you were over just before, but obviously, failed spectacularly at saying anything of significance. Really I just want to know where I stand with you after this weekend. Friday night just brought home to me the fact that I'm becoming very attached to you, and it's fairly clear that you just want to play the field, or at least aren't that attached to me. So I'm thinking that I should probably stop sleeping with you or nights like Friday are going to keep happening and I'm going to go insane.

Also I don't particularly appreciate being your "root of last resort", which is how I feel most of the time. And that's really, really not alright. I feel I owe a lot more to myself than to play that role for anyone.

But then again, perhaps this whole message is completely unnecessary because you really liked the girl you went home with and want to pursue her! If so, good luck, I guess. I just apologise in advance for any upcoming occasions during which I do my, "I hate conflict so instead of getting angry at you (which would be futile AND irrational) I'm going to act like you don't exist" thing (like last night, sorry about that by the way).

Oh and just for your general information, I think the reason Friday upset me quite as much as it did was because it was like all those months of Fridays with Cherry all over again. It just hit the wrong buttons in a big way, I guess. Ahh, also it didn't help that the same night she told me you told her not to go home with me, she also told me, and I quote: "I don't want to stir shit between you and Sam, I know you don't think there's any to stir, but I've heard differently. Joanie told me that Sam said he really likes you and she thinks he'll probably ask you out soon." Which at the time I took as probably true, because I was drunk and had forgotten that she's a pathological liar. More reason for you and I both to hate her? Haha. I'm pretty impressed though that she was only here for under 2 weeks but still managed to completely and utterly fuck up my life. Because before that I was totally casual about the you and I thing. Thankssssssss C. Oh also I heard the same thing from another source, but it's probably related to the shit Cherry was talking? That's what I'm going to assume for the time being anyway.

So now you know where I'm coming from, I felt I needed to say something about it.

Reading over this now makes me cringe! Awful, awful. Too obsessive. Just awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel this way at ALL anymore (and what, it's been two weeks?). I'm a fickle being I guess.

Can't help thinking that give me another couple of weeks and I'm going to end up in his bed again. Uh ohhhh.