Let's All Calm Down, Shall We?

So I sent that facebook message to Sam last week and it lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
I felt better immediately.

I thought I'd give you a sneak peak into my very real world and post the message I sent to him:

Hey, ok. So by now you must know that I am the queen of conflict avoidance, right? Good, glad we've got that sorted.

Well I meant to have a bit of a chat to you when you were over just before, but obviously, failed spectacularly at saying anything of significance. Really I just want to know where I stand with you after this weekend. Friday night just brought home to me the fact that I'm becoming very attached to you, and it's fairly clear that you just want to play the field, or at least aren't that attached to me. So I'm thinking that I should probably stop sleeping with you or nights like Friday are going to keep happening and I'm going to go insane.

Also I don't particularly appreciate being your "root of last resort", which is how I feel most of the time. And that's really, really not alright. I feel I owe a lot more to myself than to play that role for anyone.

But then again, perhaps this whole message is completely unnecessary because you really liked the girl you went home with and want to pursue her! If so, good luck, I guess. I just apologise in advance for any upcoming occasions during which I do my, "I hate conflict so instead of getting angry at you (which would be futile AND irrational) I'm going to act like you don't exist" thing (like last night, sorry about that by the way).

Oh and just for your general information, I think the reason Friday upset me quite as much as it did was because it was like all those months of Fridays with Cherry all over again. It just hit the wrong buttons in a big way, I guess. Ahh, also it didn't help that the same night she told me you told her not to go home with me, she also told me, and I quote: "I don't want to stir shit between you and Sam, I know you don't think there's any to stir, but I've heard differently. Joanie told me that Sam said he really likes you and she thinks he'll probably ask you out soon." Which at the time I took as probably true, because I was drunk and had forgotten that she's a pathological liar. More reason for you and I both to hate her? Haha. I'm pretty impressed though that she was only here for under 2 weeks but still managed to completely and utterly fuck up my life. Because before that I was totally casual about the you and I thing. Thankssssssss C. Oh also I heard the same thing from another source, but it's probably related to the shit Cherry was talking? That's what I'm going to assume for the time being anyway.

So now you know where I'm coming from, I felt I needed to say something about it.

Reading over this now makes me cringe! Awful, awful. Too obsessive. Just awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel this way at ALL anymore (and what, it's been two weeks?). I'm a fickle being I guess.

Can't help thinking that give me another couple of weeks and I'm going to end up in his bed again. Uh ohhhh.

Conflict Avoidance

EPICLY EPIC FAIL at any conversation with Sam.

I literally did not mention anything when he came to get his bike because I was too worried that he was in the middle of deciding to date the girl he went home with on Friday and would laugh at me for having these kinds of feelings.

WHYYYYY DO I DO THIS?!

Strongly considering a facebook message.

Correction

Apparently it wasn't that rank slut Fox that Sam went home with.
In fact, it was rank slut Fox's friend, page-boy haircut, teal dress-wearing, SOMEWHAT CHUBBY friend.
Currently unsure if this makes it better or worse. Better because he didn't go home with some rank slut which would devalue his choice of me as a bed partner. But then worse because he might actually like pageboytealchubby girl and then they'll go on dates and he'll be all like, "Oh no sorry, can't hang out tonight, seeing pageboytealchubby girl, isn't she just GREAT, don't you just LOVE her?!"
And then I will want to kill myself.

Saw him last night when I went to a party with Castle. I hung out with Andy mostly and McFly, although he is usually otherwise occupied with semi-liked, semi-resented girlfriend Hana (who made cupcakes for our friend who is moving to Melbourne? Innnnnnnnnteresting).
But back to Sam.
I did my usual, "I hate conflict so instead of yelling at you I am going to pretend that you don't exist" thing. Pleasantly reminded me of Cherry once more. No, GOOD, these past few weeks haven't been a relationshipy disaster at ALL. But yeah, he had the nerve to message me before the party about leaving his bike tied to my fence until today and seemed like he wanted to start a casual message conversation? I was like, "NO WAY JOSE". I mean, read my facebook status and many comments and you will see how angry I am with you Samuel.
Yes, I am the most passive-agressive person ever.
And then when I left by myself he decided to be "caring friend Sam" and make sure I had some way to get home. Which just made me more angry because it's like, you didn't seem to give a shit how I got home LAST NIGHT, DID YOU??? But it's ok, because Blondie J came and picked me up. Her and Dan had an adorable little altercation in the car about whether to get Maccas sundaes on the way to my house or the way back to theirs. I love those two.

So that's my Saturday story! I'll keep you updated on what happens when Sam comes to get his bike. Fingers crossed I'll have the guts to talk to him about how irrationally angry I got at him and how this means that I need to distance myself from him. Guhhh. This is shit.

FUCK YOU OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter/hormone that gets released in a woman's brain after she has sex (among other times) and is thought to facilitate love, trust and pair bonding.
And right now, there is nothing more I hate than how oxytocin has made me feel about Sam, who I'm not even that compatible with anyway.

Last night Sam went home with this rank Fox bitch (she doesn't get a colour, I loathe her right now) who has fucked half of Slew. He has previously hooked up with her and that very night saw her hooking up with 2 other guys at Slew.
No Sam? What's that? You didn't want a girl with any dignity?
Oh GOOD. Well you've succeeded then. Picked a quality dame there.
And not only did he go home with her, but it was right in front of my fucking face! He kept looking over at me on the Slew dancefloor like a child anxiously watches his parent as he does something "naughty".
And all this coming hot on the fucking heels of a few separate sources informing me that he actually really likes me.
No SERIOUSLY, fuck you Samuel. FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.

I am so incredibly bored of being treated like I am a piece of shit. Like I'm just an object to be used when you feel like it, but then discarded as soon as a better offer comes along. If I'm going to get involved with anyone I want them to respect me and like me as a human being and realise that it's not alright to imply an emotional connection to someone and then fuck someone else just because you can. I want someone to appreciate me for the interesting and intelligent person I am. And I'm just SO INCREDIBLY BORED of getting fucked around like this.

Oh, and did I mention that right now his bike is tied up to my front fence? I am SO tempted to do a Joanie on him and unscrew some screws or unchain some chains. Pity I'm not "emotionally unstable" enough to go through with it.
Oh well. The plan though, is to have a bit of a confrontation (unlikely that I will do this unfortunately, it sucks to have no spine). I will say to him:

"Alright Sam, I need to have a bit of a conversation with you about last night. I actually found myself getting quite upset about the fact that you went home with Fox, mostly because I have heard from a few sources that you actually have feelings for me, so I have started to get really attached to you. Clearly you want to play the field and me getting attached is a terrible idea. However, it's reached a point here where I cannot deal with you going home with other girls, I can't go back to being as
unattached as I used to be. So I think that it's best that we go back to just
being purely friends."

(Dieing to add: YOU ARE A FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER AND I LOATHE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY)
But I really don't want to just be friends with him? This is utterly shit. I can't keep sleeping with him if he wants to fuck multiple people and I don't, it would just kill me.

I'm going to go and read "A Man of Few Words" now to remind myself of how silent and manipulative and immature and boring he is. Should help, right?

I'm Dreaming of an ...

ADVENTURE

How about we all go to India and get lost (figuratively)?

We can run among the trees in an enchanted valley a la A Little Princess (aka my favourite children's movie of all time - it still makes me cry and I've been watching it since I was 5 years old!). Also there will be an amazing waterfall populated by an enormous stone head upon which we will stand in a romantic fashion:

Sound good? Sounds great. I'm sure the absolute impossibility of Sara Crew's life in India will not be a problem. Otherwise I'm totally up for recreating the New York part (ie. food via imagination, probs more realistic, budget-wise):



Um, but seriously, where is my benevolent Indian man who conjures me food/yellow garments?

WHERRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

I think he should make my upcoming exams vanish in a puff of smoke :)

we're splashed like paint on the pavement

summer will be here soon
the beach this weekend was fucking amazing
so is roaming at night in a white cotton dress sans shoes,
sitting outside and watching the sun go down without getting cold,
driving with the windows down and the radio up,
watching boys catching waves,
a cold vodka with ice, water and cordial through a pink straw,
that familiar warmth of sunburn all over you,
you new favourite white bra against your tanning skin,
skin that tastes salty hours later

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Classified in the DSM-IV as:

"A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the centre of attention

(2) Interaction with other is often characterised by innappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behaviour

(3) Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions

(4) Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self

(5) Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail

(6) Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion

(7) Is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances

(8) Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are"

It's actually scary how accurately this describes my sort-of-ex who is back in town, Cherry.

Especially that last point. That's her to a tee. Right now, she makes me want to punch her in the face. I'd forgotten just how much she made me act like a bipolar person when she lived here. One day I'd be completely infatuated with her, the next I'd hate her guts.

What I'm wondering right now is, where the hell is the classification in the DSM-IV for those of us who fall for these people, over and over?

DSM-V writers, get onto it.