Long Time, No See

So it's been a long time since I last wrote, and as you might guess, a lot has happened.
I'd like to tell the story of a girl named Zoe in order and in full, as it's been a pretty important part of my last month. Again, as you might imagine, she's driven me a little crazy and, as per usual, it makes for an interesting story for all of you, but not a very satisfying one for me. Perhaps I'm destined to keep having doomed flings to keep you all in interesting reading material! I'll endeavour to tell the whole story over the next week or so.

For the moment, I'd like to share a few things that I have learnt recently:

1) Relying on others to make us happy will never, ever work. The only way to be truly happy is to be content in yourself; other people can only ever play a supporting role.
2) Reading about Buddhism is the only thing that can really calm me down as it teaches one to abandon all desire and value what one already has. Try it out sometime, I highly recommend it.
3) Big changes help to kill off boredom, but first you have to find something worth changing. (I'm thinking about moving out/going on exchange/taking a semester off uni.)
4) Acid is the best drug in the world, as long as you can learn not to drown in it. And especially if you listen to Philip Glass while on it, he makes the world impossibly beautiful:



5) Soy hot chocolates are infinitely better than ones with normal milk. There's just no contest! Especially when they are served to you by cute ex-flings with piercing blue eyes who still flirt with you ;)
6) Playing music (my personal favourite at the moment being Jolene) and writing are incredibly cathartic things, but if you get lost in a haze of late nights, drinking/drugs, hangovers, listless television watching and general inertia, that's an easy fact to forget. I should leave notes lying around to remind myself of theses things.
7) If you develop a habit of crying in public, DO NOT wear mascara.
8) Stop crying in public, it's tragic. Read some Buddhism instead.

Stay tuned lovers x

A New Year's Eve to Remember

What a night, what a night.

Well actually, it began at 1pm at Cat's boyfriend's house with them and Jaydee. No matter what people tell you, vodka and spas DO mix.

But the NIGHT. The night was eventful.

Clara oh so kindly decided not to drink and instead to ferry us around in her parents' car all night. For this kind service, I compensated her with a dexy. The crew consisted of her, Sam, Charlie, another regular, Katie-Grey (yes, we have very similar names in real life too) and myself. We all met at Castle to have a few drinks before hitting a themed party (CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE). Of course, none of us dressed up. I have found over the years that Castle are not really theme kind of people. Unless of course they choose the theme and/or it's Halloween. Anything to do with fake blood and zombies gets them going.

The party, in Sam's words, was "bangin'". Clara, Katie-Grey and I had a bit of a dance to some nigga beatzzzz (yes, you do have to be ironic about it) on a makeshift dance-floor and had a bit of a chat to Dunk, who showed up with his girlfriend a bit later. Pity we didn't know too many other people! Sam did though, and when the rest of us went and sat out on the pavement in front of the house to drink and talk, he insisted that we stay for a while longer.

This is why we ended up having our countdown not at a party, but out front of a party. Quite nice really, especially considering that when Katie-Grey gets drunk, she gets mouthy, and I love it. "SKAAAAAAAAANKS" was yelled loudly at a few party-goers just before midnight.

This is the point at which she decides to inform me that she knows some very intimate details of my odd relationship with Sam. To put it frankly, she knows everything. Great.

Awwwwwwwwesome.

And she wont tell me anything!

Please note that all of us are well on our way to being shitfaced here, I had already drunk a quarter of a bottle of rum (gross). Katie-Grey disappeared off home with her on-again, off-again boyfriend. Hopefully they're on again for good!
Then the rest of us piled into Clara's car in order to get to a warehouse party called Concreto. We decided that the warehouse/space used to be an concrete factory, hence the name. I kind of doubt it though, this was drunken logic.
The drive there was epic, considering it should have taken us 15 minutes, but instead lasted for half an hour (at least). We were all drinking in the car (illegal) and Sam was trying to navigate from his iPhone, which I decided was ridiculous, so I co-opted the road map. What resulted was a very drunken Charlie and I trying to navigate from the backseat, yelling about freeways being in the wrong place and THOSE DARN ONE WAY ROADS.
During an attempted u-turn (very illegal) we managed to find a cop car. Greeeeeaaaaat. Thank god Clara hadn't been drinking. Well, I freaked out because she'd had a quarter of one of my rum & cokes about 2 hours earlier, but HEY I was illegally taking shots out of a bottle in the back of a car on new years with drugs in my bag. I think it's kind of fair enough that I was a bit worried.
Thankfully, Clara blew under the limit on the breath test and we finally made it to the party.

Concreto was as you'd expect, big, loud, amazingly lit, with good music and plenty of great people. Immediately upon entering, Sam sidled up to a beautiful girl and started dancing with her. While I am getting over this I'm still not ready to watch this, especially when I'm drunk. I try to ignore it. I talk to Clara and Charlie and some of our other friends. And then some guy drops a glowstick (why were there glowsticks? was this a rave?) at my feet and I start flirting outrageously with him. We dance. He takes me by the waist and kisses me. He takes my hand and leads me out into the party, away from Sam and his doomed attempts to bag this far too good looking girl. This party has suddenly gotten a hell of a lot better.
Turns out this guy's name is Tom and we were in the same political theory unit last semester. Turns out he's very cute. Turns out we have a lot to talk about. This is good.
At around 4am I got too cold to function properly (yeah it was probably mid-20s, but the summer has made me weak), and told Tom that I had to leave. He tried to get me to stay a little longer, let him walk me home, but I declined. No more of this "sure I'll go home with you" bunk. I'm over it. He got my number and I stumbled drunkenly out the door.

In the car, Sam was disgruntled, having failed at bagging the girl, and in my state I thought maybe also because I succeeded while he didn't. Who knows if that's true, or if he sincerely doesn't care what I do and never really did. Clara invited us all back to her empty house, but Sam declined the offer, citing "why would I go to someone else's house when mine's right here?" as a reason. Angryyyyyy Sam. Charlie decided to stay on for the journey and the three of us ended up chatting and drinking until 7am, while the sun slowly rose in the background. Looking back on this, I recognise how ridiculous it was that I was still taking shots out of a rum bottle in Clara's kitchen in the middle of the morning.

When I woke up that afternoon I was still very drunk. What a great New Years.

New Woman, Old Woman

I woke up on Wednesday morning feeling like everything was a little bit freer and easier than it had been on Tuesday night. Thinking about this Sam thing made me want to shrug my shoulders and say, "Eh, no big deal. Neither of us are really interested in each other. Whatever." for the first time in a long time.
I spent the day strutting my stuff from one side of the city to another (I think I walked for about 3 hours!) in an outfit that made me feel like a million bucks, listening to trashy music that made me feel sexy. There's nothing a good strut in public can't fix, especially when it draws appreciative looks!
I felt like a new woman, with a new, more positive outlook on life and just a touch more self-worth.

Mmm, pity I fucked it up that night.

I got a message at 7:30 from Sam asking me to go out with him and a friend of ours who is visiting for a few weeks. However, due to various family committments, I couldn't go until 11 or 12. Unfortunately, by the time I was free, he wasn't answering his phone. Drunk, I assumed.
This resulted in the drunken hour during which I told my father about Alexis/Animal Collective Thursday. He is probably the greatest parent anyone could ask for. Not only was he completely supportive of my drug taking, he gave me tips for the next time I took it and told me that there's no point if I didn't take 2 tabs. Legend.

At past 12 I finally get a reply from Sam. Sorry, we've all bailed home. How was your night?
I replied by saying my night was awesome, and questioned whether he was going to bed. Purely because I thought they might still be sitting around out the back of Castle and that I might join.
No, he wasn't going to bed, but no one was around. I could come and watch the OC with him if I wanted. Drunk, and very much awake, I decided that this was a good choice.
Well, I mean, it wasn't a bad choice.
It just meant we slept together again and I completely lost the progress I had made that day. And, waking up in his bed the next morning, I felt like he cared about me less than ever before. Here's where I need to be too.

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Charlie's back!

He arrived completely unexpectedly on Christmas Day after being in Europe for these past 6 months. Best Christmas surprise ever. And McFly is definitely coming back on January 12th. The summer/life is starting to look a whole lot brighter, these two are my absolute favourites.

Yesterday I went over to Castle to hang out with Andy. However, we both ended up getting roped into cleaning and moving Sam's stuff into the front room with him and Dunk. Yep, that's right, Sam's a bonafide Castle resident now. Still unsure how I feel about this, because now I really can't get away from him. And given his recent mixed messages (Grey, come and get dinner with me, come and get breakfast with me, let's watch old 90210 together, I'm just going to fall asleep on your shoulder with my hand wrapped around your arm at a party. But um, I'm going to spend the whole of Saturday night hitting on another girl, whatevs), I think I might want to get away from him. Oh well.

But onto more exciting things. After the clean up, Charlie came over to Castle and talked up a storm about his European adventures mostly featuring 1) Drugs, 2) Girls, and 3) Drugs. Classic Charlie. The whole crew dropped over after that and it was pretty great watching everyone's faces as each of them realised our recent returnee was there. As per usual, we then drank far too much, took some dexies and went out. Although we left Charlie on a mattress in the back room, drunk as fuck. Ohhhhh C. Nothing changes.

All My Loves Are Leaving Me

For one city or another.

Caitie's already gone to Iowa and she's gone for a year.
Clara is around for that year, but then she's auditioning for acting schools out in the big bad real world (Sydney, London, the U.S.). Thing is, she's good enough to get in, and then she's gone for good.
McFly's leaving either mid-year 2010 or at the end of the year, because he's graduated. Then it's NYC for him.
Sam is going to move to London in the middle of next year. There goes all the drama in my life, and his cute smile.
Rana is transferring unis over to Melbourne.
Even Blondie J is taking a year off uni next year and is moving down south with Dan so she can save money.

Sometimes I just want to make time stand still, so everyone would stay.

Alexis/Animal Collective Thursday

Everyone new to the band was waiting for this:





We got that, and so much more. But to be honest, all I really remember other than that is this:




And do you want to know why? Because Caitie came over beforehand and convinced me to get the 2 tabs of acid (in our personal dialect, "alexis") out of my freezer and into our bloodstreams.
Best/worst decision EVER.
When Clara fronted up at my door, Caitie immediately informed her of our plan and her involvement in it, which was non-negotiable. Bit of a shock, one can imagine.

We walked half way to Washington, where they were playing, and put the tiny half-tabs we'd cut up under our tongues. To be honest, I didn't think anything was going to happen. You see, just after he left for London, Charlie gave me the amazing going-away present of 2 tabs of acid, saying, "It's just going to deteriorate in my room, you may as well have it". So it had been sitting in my freezer for a good 6 months, which anyone who is acquainted with the drug would know is not really that good for its potency.

Despite my misgivings, it came on in full force. I was swaying and chewing and saying things like, "I'm not inside myself, it's like I'm just a little bit outside of my head." And Animal Collective's music was made to trip to.

On the way back to Castle, Clara and I laughed for 20 minutes straight about nothing.
Max Dunkeld was pretty much the nicest guy ever (he was sober) and gave us nice little tips on tripping & life.
Andy was on a full tab, and unfortunately was having a bad trip, so disappeared halfway through a few conversations.
Sam sat opposite me and complained about his dud pill.
We just tripped out until Max wanted to go to bed and we had to find someplace else to go.

This is where things get a little silly. Caitie decided that she wanted to go back to her place and that driving her car would be the best idea. I believe I repeated the phrase, "You don't have any depth perception when you're on acid" ten times. However, eventually I caved and SOMEHOW we made the 20 minute drive from the city to her house. Kind of amazed that we're alive right now. Also not telling ANYONE that. Two people have already asked how we got to her house and I have lied and said "a taxi".

Anyway, the rest of the night was spent in Caitie's room talking and laughing and drawing until around 6am when we finally fell asleep. Although Clara lost the ability to speak for a good few hours. Under normal circumstances this would be worrying, however, on acid it was just really funny.

Sam has described the experience as being like, "reverting to your ten year old self". I thought it was more like your six year old self. Except you're unable to do a lot of things that a six year old could do. Like see/stand/write/draw properly.

The following pages are what I produced during the many hours in Caitie's room:





Oh, and I forgot to mention that no matter how much you take, acid always lasts for 8 hours. We forgot about this. Good one grrrrrls. This resulted in some serious backlash as I missed an appointment with my dad the next morning to cut down a Christmas tree.
I was labelled a "selfish teenager".
Taking drugs on a whim? Yeah, I guess that's pretty selfish.

White Heart Friday

So, two weekends ago (Friday the 11th of December) I went out with my favourite girls: Caitie and Clara.

Now, Caitie has just left today (21st of December) to go to Iowa on exchange for a whole year. As such, we felt that it was necessary to make her last two weekends HUGE. So I made it my business to get ahold of some pills, which ended up being white hearts.

A little warning: If you get the real ones, these are not normal pills. They are amazing.

We took these babies in a park in the middle of the city at around 11pm and then went back to Caitie's car which was parked in my street to drop off some stuff. Half an hour later we were all sitting in the back seat, curled up in little balls, loudly talking about:

1) How incredibly high we were

2) Masturbating

3) Our general sex lives

4) Our deepest, darkest secrets

5) How amazing we think the other two are

When we decided we could walk again, we got out and drew on walls with Caitie's crayons. Caitie wrote, "I heart [insert Grey's real name here]".

Clara drew her signature catfish, which you can find on a few walls around about.

I wrote, "Gray, Fox and Racoon", me obviously being Gray, Clara being the fox and Caitie being the racoon. Those animals just suit them. Apparently I would be a cat if I were an animal. This is what Blondie J tells me anyway. And if you ask McFly what kind of "candy" I would be, he would answer, "A bon bon". What flavour bon bon McFly? "No flavour. Just plain." Is it weird that I find this somewhat insulting? He said it with love though :P

After defacing private property, we walked to Slew, singing City & Colour's Comin' Home the whole way there, arm in arm.



Upon arrival we got a few comments from complete strangers, "Party on girls!", "Having a big night huh?". We must have been the most obvious gurners ever. I felt a million bucks though. And when I got to the bathrooms and looked in the mirror I realised I had my, "I want to fuck you" face on permanently. I just couldn't stop it!

It felt great though.

Shortly after this, I spotted my kind-of-friend-ex-fuck-buddy-what-are-we?-I-still-want-to-sleep-with-you guy, Sam. And yes, I still had the face on. I still had the attitude on.

Caitie and Clara disappeared off somewhere and I found myself sitting on a wall with Sam. "Are you alright?" he asked. I was obviously getting my stare on. "I'm fine ... but I'm kind of obsessed with seducing you." "Oh really? Well, I'd say come back to mine, but I'm staying with my boss and it would just be really awkward." "Whatever, just come back to mine, I don't even care. It'll be fine ... mmmmmm ... it'll be fine."

Short silence.

I put two fingers under his chin, directing it towards me and kiss him.

THANKGOD. It's been such a long time. And I've been so obsessed with this (see: Want Some Company?, Neuroticism and Let's All Calm Down, Shall We? as a start).

Fast forward through the rest of the incredibly high night (I remember sitting in a toilet cubicle thinking, "This is beautiful, my life is beautiful") and we come to closing time.
Sam is tugging on my arm saying he's too tired and has to go home, so I bid my girls good night. The walk home is peppered with spontaneous makeout sessions when he grabs me and I push him up against a wall. Why has it been so long?

We get to my house and I remember, yeah that's right, my room is right over the corridor from my parents'. Thankfully I was high enough to not really worry.

:)

We woke up the next morning and I was still high. He felt too awkward with my parents around the house to show his face outside of my room so when it got to 3pm we crept out of the front door with some dvds in hand and made our way to where he's staying temporarily.
This is what's confusing me about Sam right now!
He's being very friendly all of a sudden. Like, let's hang out Grey! Come over and watch movies! Oh well. At least I know he's my friend regardless of whether I sleep with him or not.

And I had a fucking amazing night.

THE PARTY

A little taster ...

My good friend Rana and I (I'm in the denim) putting up the ridiculously long paper chains that Shark made for me as an insomnia cure.

Shark to your far right, Blondie J with the amazing booty shorts, Jaydee in the dress and my dad sauntering past.

Bondie J, in probably the best outfit ever.

Here you can appreciate the back of Caitie's dress and the sweet spread we laid on (3 types of punch + 4 goon bags anyone?).

And my favourite gay boys arrive.

The amazing Clara! Who has the best mane of hair you've ever seen. We're going to go watch Where the Wild Things Are today, and I think I'm going to make wild beast mane jokes the whole time ;)

McFly, Sam, Andy & me looking skeazy/drunk (which I was).

McFly, just the best.

My backyard mid-party feat. Sam in the bottom right-hand corner sitting amongst Castle and Castle-associated kids. And you can just glimpse Joanie in the top left-hand corner with all the people I used to go to parties with during my Cherry days.

All in all, a successful night. Everyone said they enjoyed themselves :)

Beautiful Things

Here is something I have recently fallen in love with: Book Lovers Never Go To Bed Alone.

I don't think there is anything more satisfying or aesthetically pleasing than a good bookshelf. Part of it is probably the vouyeristic glimpse one gets into someone else's life and someone else's brain by looking at the things that they have read. The books they've loved and those they will come to love in the future.

And a shelf full of books is like a shelf bursting with knowledge and imagination! I find it unfailingly amazing that you can stuff so much into such a tiny physical space.

So please, go and look at this yourselves and appreciate the wonder that is other people's bookshelves. Here is one of my favourites:

And, for your viewing pleasure, have a gander at some of mine:

Want Some Company?

Went to Sam's last night to watch Season 2 of the OC and some shit scary movies with him, Andy, Joanie (surprisingly not awkward?) and some other Castle-related kids.

Ended up crashing there. No, not in Sam's bed, but in his spare room.
Which resulted in this conversation via message after we had all gone to bed:

G: Feels very weird to be sleeping in your house but in your spare room fyi!
S: Haha yeah no doubt :P
G: Mmm I much prefer your room, less eerie empty space, more company
S: Well I'd say come here but Andy's in the next room, might get awkward.
G: Haha so considerate of you. You could come here if you want, although i guess Andy's still down the hallway ...
S: Na it's still a bit too close for comfort. I'll see you tomorrow :)
G: Yeah, you're right. Ahh well, eerie empty space it is for me. You know where to find me if you change your mind.

Totally embarassed right now.

Ps. Will do a party recap v. soon!

A Playlist Sneak-Peak

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

Ca Plane Pour Moi - Plastique Bertrand

You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record) - Dead or Alive

Hummingbird - Born Ruffians

Lotion - Greenskeepers

Search & Destroy - Iggy & The Stooges

Slow Hands - Interpol

ABC - The Jackson Five

Yea Yeah - Matt and Kim

Rebel Rebel - David Bowie

When It Started - The Strokes

Lisztomania - Phoenix

Take On Me - Aha

Gamma Ray - Beck

Crystalised - The xx

A-Punk - Vampire Weekend

11th Dimension - Julian Casablancas

Over and Over - Hot Chip

Sleepy Head - Passion Pit

Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

Blue Monday - New Order

AND NOW I'LL STOP

But my house is hopefully going to look like the inside of this popular nightspot ;) (which looks SO much less hipster than usual, by the way):

And all I am going to do is THIS:

IT'S MY PARTY

And I'm definitely not going to cry, it's going to be fucking amazing!
I turn 19 this coming Monday, so I'm celebrating on Friday with 100 of my favourite people.

The things I'm most excited about:

1. Everyone has to wear denim (otherwise I wont give them a free shot). This idea arose from McFly always giving me shit about "wearing weird peices of denim". I figured I could wear a whole lot of "weird denim" and so could everyone else.



2. I am going to wear a Texan Tuxedo - of which google has disappointingly few photos, or else I'd share one. Rest assured that it's denim from head to toe. I'll take a photo of myself and share on Saturday ok!



3. There will be 3 types of punch, one of which will be predominantely full of Stones Green Ginger Wine.


4. Shark will be mixing said punch as she is a competent bartender.



5. I will be doing nothing at all past 8pm as I will be getting irretrievably shitfaced :)



6. That excludes dancing for 4 hours, as that is exactly what I intend to do. You have no idea how much time I have put into finessing this playlist. CAN'T WAIT.



7. I'm going to take a million photos (both film & digital, because I'm obsessed with disposable cameras) and POST THEM HERE. Sans faces though I guess. I hate this anonymous stuff sometimes.
   

Ps. The reason I love disposable cameras is because of the COLOURS:

In Hindsight...

So Blondie J is thinking about why we miss our pasts.

To be honest with you, I think we miss them because we've blurred them so much in hindsight that they appear to be better than they are.

This weekend (the first for me after exams finished!) has been good, but last night I found myself wandering around Slew wishing I had still only just turned 18 and that this was all still new to me. And that the people I am now good friends/at least acquaintances with were still those intimidating cool kids I half knew from uni who always sat in the corner and smoked and stared. Sometimes I'd join their circle on the dancefloor and feel so self-conscious, wondering the whole time if they thought I was some kind of uncoordinated freak. Then that one time they offered to walk me home (considering we live around the corner from one another) and everything started to change. Now I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night thinking about how I could message one of them and go out or at least sit around on their back porch with drinks/drugs, but feeling like I just want to go to bed and that I don't really enjoy hanging out with them that much anyway.

Strange how things change, right?

how to fight loneliness:
smile all the time
shine your teeth to meaningless,
and sharpen them with lies

(wilco - girl interrupted soundtrack)

i feel like i miss being the 16 year old who used to watch ultra sad/awful/drugfucked movies at home alone and listen to sad music and hate makeup except eyeliner and bite her nails and get drunk in parks with boys and cry

but why?

now i am a 19 year old who doesnt have much time to watch movies alone at all, listens to happy/dancey music and gets drunk at clubs with girls and dances and paints her nails many tropical shades and knows how to look pretty with makeup on

i dont knowwwwwwwww. attemps to relive old goodtimes after exams finished just reminded me of how much dan and i are different to those people now. especially to harold who deserves his khaki green lame colour for being such a dick head.

'ew, i don't want to sit near you anymore man, you've had your dick covered in shit'

can you please stop being 15 years old. there are lots of sexual and pharmaceutical experiences that everyone has the right to enjoy themselves. nobody should force their beliefs on anybody else. just live and let live!

on another note...
should i feel guilty about having the best 30 minutes of my night on wednesday (at the end of year show for meds) when past flame-from-afar, best looking boy in second year, cam, was talking to me and (possibly pretending to be) interested in my tastes in music/life?
♥

but i went and met dan at the pub later right? its okay? harmless and all.

let's undress like cross eyed strangers

Neuroticism

So this whole Sam saga has just reminded me that I am an obsessive person.

Hi, my name is Grey and I am neurotic.

No, but seriously. I get bored unless I have something to focus my energies on. People are of course the most satisfying thing to obsess over, because they think and talk and change every day and they can obsess over YOU. However, in light of my current circumstances, in which I irrationally became obsessed with Sam despite the fact that I don't even like him that much (we don't click and I know it!), I clearly need to obsess over people less. People obsessions just end in me or them getting hurt. Usually me. So, things and activities are needed.

As a consquence of this new conviction, I have come up with a list of things to get me through the summer:

1. Exam study (until the 12th)


2. Reading Jane Austen books (right now, Pride and Prejudice *swoon*)


3. Makin' sweet music (aka playing my guitar somewhat tunelessly in my room in preparation for starting a band with my friends. This will undoubtedly end up being a couple of "jam sessions" while we're drunk/high and think we sound amazing, but actually sound awful)


4. Reinventing myself (which I get the urge to do once a year, this time it's going to involve black lipstick and many lengths of industrial gague chains)


5. Writing a play with my friend Shark about the few months when we both worked at a gay bar while underage. Might have to make a retropost about that soon.


6. Maybe finally writing this book I've been talking about FOREVER


7. Going out on the town with my similarly single friends; drinking, taking drugs and making jokes about people and/or obsessing about them from afar (which is far less damaging than up-close). So really, a summer dominated by moments like this:

That should do the trick, right? *Tugs at collar nervously*

Probably not. Already obsessing over finding someone new to obsess about. Also still obsessing about the possibility of no-strings-attached sex with Sam when I stop caring about who he sleeps with (not too far away).

UH OH!

Let's All Calm Down, Shall We?

So I sent that facebook message to Sam last week and it lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
I felt better immediately.

I thought I'd give you a sneak peak into my very real world and post the message I sent to him:

Hey, ok. So by now you must know that I am the queen of conflict avoidance, right? Good, glad we've got that sorted.

Well I meant to have a bit of a chat to you when you were over just before, but obviously, failed spectacularly at saying anything of significance. Really I just want to know where I stand with you after this weekend. Friday night just brought home to me the fact that I'm becoming very attached to you, and it's fairly clear that you just want to play the field, or at least aren't that attached to me. So I'm thinking that I should probably stop sleeping with you or nights like Friday are going to keep happening and I'm going to go insane.

Also I don't particularly appreciate being your "root of last resort", which is how I feel most of the time. And that's really, really not alright. I feel I owe a lot more to myself than to play that role for anyone.

But then again, perhaps this whole message is completely unnecessary because you really liked the girl you went home with and want to pursue her! If so, good luck, I guess. I just apologise in advance for any upcoming occasions during which I do my, "I hate conflict so instead of getting angry at you (which would be futile AND irrational) I'm going to act like you don't exist" thing (like last night, sorry about that by the way).

Oh and just for your general information, I think the reason Friday upset me quite as much as it did was because it was like all those months of Fridays with Cherry all over again. It just hit the wrong buttons in a big way, I guess. Ahh, also it didn't help that the same night she told me you told her not to go home with me, she also told me, and I quote: "I don't want to stir shit between you and Sam, I know you don't think there's any to stir, but I've heard differently. Joanie told me that Sam said he really likes you and she thinks he'll probably ask you out soon." Which at the time I took as probably true, because I was drunk and had forgotten that she's a pathological liar. More reason for you and I both to hate her? Haha. I'm pretty impressed though that she was only here for under 2 weeks but still managed to completely and utterly fuck up my life. Because before that I was totally casual about the you and I thing. Thankssssssss C. Oh also I heard the same thing from another source, but it's probably related to the shit Cherry was talking? That's what I'm going to assume for the time being anyway.

So now you know where I'm coming from, I felt I needed to say something about it.

Reading over this now makes me cringe! Awful, awful. Too obsessive. Just awful.

Mostly awful because I don't feel this way at ALL anymore (and what, it's been two weeks?). I'm a fickle being I guess.

Can't help thinking that give me another couple of weeks and I'm going to end up in his bed again. Uh ohhhh.

Conflict Avoidance

EPICLY EPIC FAIL at any conversation with Sam.

I literally did not mention anything when he came to get his bike because I was too worried that he was in the middle of deciding to date the girl he went home with on Friday and would laugh at me for having these kinds of feelings.

WHYYYYY DO I DO THIS?!

Strongly considering a facebook message.

Correction

Apparently it wasn't that rank slut Fox that Sam went home with.
In fact, it was rank slut Fox's friend, page-boy haircut, teal dress-wearing, SOMEWHAT CHUBBY friend.
Currently unsure if this makes it better or worse. Better because he didn't go home with some rank slut which would devalue his choice of me as a bed partner. But then worse because he might actually like pageboytealchubby girl and then they'll go on dates and he'll be all like, "Oh no sorry, can't hang out tonight, seeing pageboytealchubby girl, isn't she just GREAT, don't you just LOVE her?!"
And then I will want to kill myself.

Saw him last night when I went to a party with Castle. I hung out with Andy mostly and McFly, although he is usually otherwise occupied with semi-liked, semi-resented girlfriend Hana (who made cupcakes for our friend who is moving to Melbourne? Innnnnnnnnteresting).
But back to Sam.
I did my usual, "I hate conflict so instead of yelling at you I am going to pretend that you don't exist" thing. Pleasantly reminded me of Cherry once more. No, GOOD, these past few weeks haven't been a relationshipy disaster at ALL. But yeah, he had the nerve to message me before the party about leaving his bike tied to my fence until today and seemed like he wanted to start a casual message conversation? I was like, "NO WAY JOSE". I mean, read my facebook status and many comments and you will see how angry I am with you Samuel.
Yes, I am the most passive-agressive person ever.
And then when I left by myself he decided to be "caring friend Sam" and make sure I had some way to get home. Which just made me more angry because it's like, you didn't seem to give a shit how I got home LAST NIGHT, DID YOU??? But it's ok, because Blondie J came and picked me up. Her and Dan had an adorable little altercation in the car about whether to get Maccas sundaes on the way to my house or the way back to theirs. I love those two.

So that's my Saturday story! I'll keep you updated on what happens when Sam comes to get his bike. Fingers crossed I'll have the guts to talk to him about how irrationally angry I got at him and how this means that I need to distance myself from him. Guhhh. This is shit.

FUCK YOU OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter/hormone that gets released in a woman's brain after she has sex (among other times) and is thought to facilitate love, trust and pair bonding.
And right now, there is nothing more I hate than how oxytocin has made me feel about Sam, who I'm not even that compatible with anyway.

Last night Sam went home with this rank Fox bitch (she doesn't get a colour, I loathe her right now) who has fucked half of Slew. He has previously hooked up with her and that very night saw her hooking up with 2 other guys at Slew.
No Sam? What's that? You didn't want a girl with any dignity?
Oh GOOD. Well you've succeeded then. Picked a quality dame there.
And not only did he go home with her, but it was right in front of my fucking face! He kept looking over at me on the Slew dancefloor like a child anxiously watches his parent as he does something "naughty".
And all this coming hot on the fucking heels of a few separate sources informing me that he actually really likes me.
No SERIOUSLY, fuck you Samuel. FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.

I am so incredibly bored of being treated like I am a piece of shit. Like I'm just an object to be used when you feel like it, but then discarded as soon as a better offer comes along. If I'm going to get involved with anyone I want them to respect me and like me as a human being and realise that it's not alright to imply an emotional connection to someone and then fuck someone else just because you can. I want someone to appreciate me for the interesting and intelligent person I am. And I'm just SO INCREDIBLY BORED of getting fucked around like this.

Oh, and did I mention that right now his bike is tied up to my front fence? I am SO tempted to do a Joanie on him and unscrew some screws or unchain some chains. Pity I'm not "emotionally unstable" enough to go through with it.
Oh well. The plan though, is to have a bit of a confrontation (unlikely that I will do this unfortunately, it sucks to have no spine). I will say to him:

"Alright Sam, I need to have a bit of a conversation with you about last night. I actually found myself getting quite upset about the fact that you went home with Fox, mostly because I have heard from a few sources that you actually have feelings for me, so I have started to get really attached to you. Clearly you want to play the field and me getting attached is a terrible idea. However, it's reached a point here where I cannot deal with you going home with other girls, I can't go back to being as
unattached as I used to be. So I think that it's best that we go back to just
being purely friends."

(Dieing to add: YOU ARE A FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER AND I LOATHE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY)
But I really don't want to just be friends with him? This is utterly shit. I can't keep sleeping with him if he wants to fuck multiple people and I don't, it would just kill me.

I'm going to go and read "A Man of Few Words" now to remind myself of how silent and manipulative and immature and boring he is. Should help, right?

I'm Dreaming of an ...

ADVENTURE

How about we all go to India and get lost (figuratively)?

We can run among the trees in an enchanted valley a la A Little Princess (aka my favourite children's movie of all time - it still makes me cry and I've been watching it since I was 5 years old!). Also there will be an amazing waterfall populated by an enormous stone head upon which we will stand in a romantic fashion:

Sound good? Sounds great. I'm sure the absolute impossibility of Sara Crew's life in India will not be a problem. Otherwise I'm totally up for recreating the New York part (ie. food via imagination, probs more realistic, budget-wise):



Um, but seriously, where is my benevolent Indian man who conjures me food/yellow garments?

WHERRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

I think he should make my upcoming exams vanish in a puff of smoke :)